Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 568
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night
Wrote a science fiction novel about a man who wins an argument with his wife, but it was rejected for being "too farfetched".
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
You ever got one thing to do all day but you just can't get yourself to do it? I gotta go to the post office ... but I'd probably have to put on pants. They're only open until 5. I'm going to have to do that next week."
Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got a dinner!
The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.
Some of you are just lying! There's no way you would let your woman freely see your phone.
They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.
I would be dishonorable in a relationship because I wasn't getting what I wanted from that person.
I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'