Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 568

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

A man says to his mate: "My wife is a twin." His mate says, "How do you tell them apart?" The man says: "Her brother has a beard."

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

You know, quite a few species of fish require two or more sexual partners...

People would walk up to me on the streets. "*indian accent* RUSSELL, RUSSELL, RUSSELLLLLLLL. Your show last night, russell your show last night. TOO good.. TOOOOO good. First Class. A1. Fantastic. The show was fantastic. The show was mind blasting"."You mean mind blowing"."No, no anything can blow your mind, it BLASTED my mind"

The X-Games - I watch that; I'm not impressed. That's white dudes' desperation. They're running out of sports. They gotta find something that black dudes won't touch.

Everybody's got a different sense of humor. It's just different styles.

You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're always so condescending, "Ah, the book was much better than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

I've never slept with a virgin, but I love breaking the seal on a new peanut butter.

If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.