Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 568
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
But to do it professionally is a quantum leap difference and my father had to be persuaded by these kind of Ivy League professors that I should go to the Yale Drama School, another one of the stories in there.
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. "Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work?" You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!
Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs - you got more broads?" Never got a dinner!
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
Everything I've ever done in my whole career, people might not know, I've never written anything down on paper.
I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. 'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2.'
Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got a dinner!
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "you cooked it, you take it out".