Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 569
It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.
And how does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.
If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.
My mom's always saying really smart things... like, you probably heard this one, 'Why buy the cow when the milk has HPV?' Wish I'd listened to that one.
I think I had an argument with a hypnotist this morning. It makes perfect sense as I have no memory of it.
As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.
I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!
If you take 12 waters from the coconut - not the ones you buy in the store, although that's good - but the fresh coconuts, the little brown ones with the three eyes, if you take 12 of those within 24 hours, your blood will go back to the way it was when you were born.
Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
But to do it professionally is a quantum leap difference and my father had to be persuaded by these kind of Ivy League professors that I should go to the Yale Drama School, another one of the stories in there.