Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 569
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.
When a guy is into you, he lets you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can’t keep his eyes or hands off of you.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
My favorite item that you cannot bring on the plane anymore: brass knuckles. That is adorable. It’s the two thousands, who is walking around with black knuckles. “Be on the lookout for two oldtimey gangsters heading to the gates. They answer to the names Bruiser and Crusher.”
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
Republicans are just rich, old, white people - that's all they are. You ever see the Republican National Convention? All white people - six black people: paid actors. James Earl Jones in his most difficult, challenging role! Tune in and attempt to watch him look pleased during a George Bush speech. And Clarence Thomas - as himself.
I say we spend some money, clean up some junkies and make them all go work for the Red Cross. You ever give blood to the Red Cross? Little paper hatted trainee kid, just sticking you full of holes. "Golly, jeez, this is way harder than the deep fryer, how does this work?" You get an ex-junkie in there, bap-bap, he's gonna find a vein. You're in, you're out, you got sugar cookie and you're happy!