Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 570
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
My father established our relationship when I was seven years old. He looked at me and said, "You know, I brought you in this world, and I can take you out. And it don't make no difference to me, I'll make another one look just like you."
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.
Kids need to be educated about sex and sexuality and if they're going to have sex, learn how to protect themselves and not get pregnant.
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
Isn't this posh? I'll bet you need credit references just to get in the pool.
The worst thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing. You never see anybody on TV just sliding off the front of the sofa, with potato chip crumbs all over their shirt.