Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 570
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.
I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have.
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
Billy Carter, who asked his brother Jimmy, "Do you think you could get me on the Gong Show?" Never got a dinner!
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
Here's how hot my wife is: on our first date, she started talking about kids. Christopher Titus: And I still married her.
You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.
"According to Life & Style Weekly, 50 Cent may be working on Lindsay Lohan’s next album. Finally, a match made in rap heaven. He’s a convicted drug dealer who’s been shot nine times, and she spent 84 minutes in prison. This is a big step for Lindsay. The last time Lindsay got near a black guy she ran over his foot.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.