Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 583

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

I would go out with women my age, but there are no women my age.

Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.

Having sex with a dead grammar teacher is a violation of past tense usage.

Never run with scissors or other pointy objects.

Two people in a relationship either grow together or apart over time.

I'm not going to lie to you fellas, I've been drinking.

Online, there's no time. It's always Christmas.

I've been chased. I've been pushed. I've been screamed at. I've been verbally abused. I've been afraid for my safety. But I did it all in the name of entertainment.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.

You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.