Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 583
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.
You can never go wrong betting on Americans' bad eating habits. So I've made a ton investing in all fast food chains, while at the same time investing in Dockers, spandex, Spanx, and sweatpants. Basically, anything with an elastic waistband is a goldmine.
Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.
You might be a redneck if you think subdivision is part of a math problem.
When you do comedy to troops you stay on an army base, but in Bahrain you could actually leave the base and go to the downtown Bahrain. When you go out there they're like, 'Look, it's safe just don't draw attention to yourself. Don't wear American t-shirts and stuff.' And you're like, 'All right that's fine, no American t-shirts. So what are you going to do about the white on my skin?'
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
You might be a redneck if you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.