Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 583

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.

I think human arrogance will be the demise of civilization.

Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.

There isn't any "New Man". The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.

Grew up in a small town where there was only one crazy guy. He didn't even go insane doing anything good, like going to 'Nam or having an extended acid trip. Turns out - legend has it - he just had some bad cheese.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

You've got to keep moving, keep creating.

The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the fuck is that?'

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

It is not important to know what facts are true. The relationships portrayed are real. My mother did have a job interview with my father. She worked alongside him for awhile, they dated, were married and had a family. She never did get to the World's Fair.

Who applies for that job? Who says "I want to work in lost luggage"? You don't have a good day. That's like having a job emptying port-a-potties. You're just going to catch crap all day long.