Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 584

IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!

I wanted to be the best that I could be, first for myself, then for an audience. I love to see a smile on somebody's face... If I can tell someone a story that makes them bend over and laugh, that's bigger than anything else.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

Nothing, believe me, nothing is more satisfying to me personally than getting a great idea and then beatin' it to death.

Why are old maps always burnt?

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.