Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 584
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
I found a way for her to fall asleep, Paris Hilton, talk to herself.
I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
She said, “Well, what are you gonna do when these little boys start coming over to the house?” I said, “Oh, I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna pull the young man in tight next to me so only he and I can hear the conversation. I’m gonna whisper in his ear and I’m gonna say, ‘Boy, look at me. You see that little girl there? That’s my only little girl, man. She’s my life. So if you have any thoughts about hugging or kissing, you remember these words: I got no problem going back to prison.’
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.
There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.
I hope that nothing ever wussifies me to deny my own personal beliefs. Brainwashed wussies have been taught that standing up for yourself and defending your personal point of view makes you a close-minded hate monger. One must also be respectful of dissenting belief while supporting their own.
I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.
If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.