Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 584

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

Every time I come back to New York, I feel like Rutger Hauer at the end of Blade Runner: 'I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.' I have been to the upper peninsula of Michigan. That is remote in the extreme. It's like Lord of the Flies up there, with significantly more beards.

Funny is funny is funny.

I made the mistake early in my career, when I moved to Hollywood, of being attracted to actresses. I used to go out exclusively with actresses and other female impersonators.

I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.

My feeling is this whole country is founded on the principle of "if you are not hurting anyone, and you're not fucking with someone else's shit, and you are paying your taxes, you should be able to just do what you want to do." It's the freedom and the independence.

A spontaneous interview feels differently than anything else you see on television.

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.

America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.

Young. Old. Just Words.

I am experiencing humiliation… Blood boiling, anger rising up ready to explode, then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self loathing.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.