Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 584

You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.

You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.

I'm doing everything I can to sabotage my career. It's a little thing called "fear of success".

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'... I thought, it must suck to work there.

I never dated much in high school or college.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".

On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?

Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.

All TV is, is really: "Don't you want to be this, aren't you glad you're not that." There's nothing really in the middle.

As an actor, you generally want to see the other actor's face.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.

My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"