Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 589
That disturbs people when they know they didn't have the guts or integrity to stick to their dreams.
The whole world is tense. Everybody gets the international news. There's been no American comedy at all that even remotely addresses the subject in any way. My goal isn't to solve the world's problems. My character wasn't even able to do his assignment. But the premise of wanting to find out about somebody - other than the stuff that the CIA will tell you - there's no hope unless we do that.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.
My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
Sometimes shit comes out your mouth that you don't expect! All you need is a goddamn witness. An audience is a goddamn witness.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."
You know those pills like Viagra, well they say that if you have an erection for more than 36 hours consult your physician. Well, if you don't know what to do with your boner after 36 hours then you are a DE and your wife doesn't know what to do then she's a DA. You two shouldn't reproduce because then your kid's gonna be like DEDADE.