Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 589

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!

I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.

I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.

It was a mixed marriage. I'm human, he was a Klingon.

I recently attended a pro-drug rally... in my basement.

For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. "Cat, K-A-T, I'm outta here." Then as he passed you, "Ha! I know there's 2 T's."

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.

In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.

If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'