Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 589

I don’t like when I go in a store and they call me "Boss." "Hey boss, can I help you, boss?" When they call me boss, I go, "I got some bad news… I’m gonna have to let you go, but first bring me the earnings from the register for today. I’ll give you severance, and give me the rest."

I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry - that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three-Mile Island.

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

C'mon cab driver, enough with the hard braking! I'm trying to make love back here.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

Everyone tries to get you to dance at clubs. They come up to you and say "You gotta dance! you gotta dance!" And then I dance, and they're like, "Not like that!"

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.

I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."