Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 590
Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.
I'm really more prolific than most stand-ups. My act changes. I do fold in new experiences, new observations, whatever you want to call it.
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
My favorite item that you cannot bring on the plane anymore: brass knuckles. That is adorable. It’s the two thousands, who is walking around with black knuckles. “Be on the lookout for two oldtimey gangsters heading to the gates. They answer to the names Bruiser and Crusher.”
Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.
A neighbour put his budgerigar in the mincing machine and invented shredded tweet.
We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.
I checked in to a hotel the other day and the woman behind the corner said to me, “Do you have a floor preference?” I go, “Yeah, I would like a floor.” Apparently, they can just suspend you from the ceiling now.
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"