Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 590

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."

Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

My father was a huge influence on me.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

You guys like impressions? Why?

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

There are a lot of reasons for that. For one, we have good light here.

Some kind of way, we have to say enough is enough.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I do not enjoy when people don't like me.