Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 588
“My wife, shes carrying our first child…he’s 8, the lazy little fucker!”
At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote.
The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.
See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.
The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.
I think comedy should be left up to the professionals, that way everyone’s safety is protected.
Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
One time I saw an old man in a hurry and I thought, ‘That makes sense.’
My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.
You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.