Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 588

A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!

If it weren’t for marriage, husband and wives would have to fight with strangers.

May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

I'm sick and tired of our generation being called the TV generation. What do you expect? We watched Lee Harvey Oswald get his brains blown out all over. How could we change the channel after that?

I guess they're tough jokes. But there's lots of things you either laugh or cry at. And you just can't cry.

Adam, who said to our Lord in the Garden of Eden, "I got more ribs - you got more broads?" Never got a dinner!

I have added a lot. There's some Vegas stuff and hotel stuff and a whole chunk on health.

So I'm at the office, I tell this guy...Pass me the stapler, but when you pass it, make sure staples are in it, because if it isn't, I can't staple anythin'.

Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.