Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 588

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."

There's a shift of sarcasm in the way I say everything.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

You ever talk about a movie with someone who read the book? They're always so condescending, "Ah, the book was much better than the movie." "Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie? No reading. It only took two hours, and then I could take a nap."

Life.....is a series of dogs.

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.

The problem with vampires is they look like they're 20, but they're actually 100 years old. So you'll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people. And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he's doing the Charleston. Or you think he's cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You're like, 'Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the fuck is that?'

Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea - freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

My wife and I keep fighting about sex and money. I think she charges me too much.

It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.