Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 588

Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would see white folks as frightened, or more so, than black folks was during the civil rights movement when we was in Mississippi.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There's so much Botox around now that you can't tell when a Jewish girl is angry!

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

Comedy, if it's done well, can reflect the mood of a nation. It can be a mirror to who we are, what we believe in, what we are like.

My point is, life is about balance. The good and the bad. The highs and the lows. The pina and the colada.

There are a lot of reasons for that. For one, we have good light here.

Right now, I hope it's later rather than sooner.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

I work a lot and I like to get out and work but the work I do to make the other work work I'm not very good at.

For as one star another far exceeds, so souls in heaven are placed by their deeds.

You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.

I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.

A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.