Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 591
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
I've always had something in my heart where I root for guys who struggle with women.
Carrot Top will be doing a show about the history of ancient trunks. Gallagher will be smashing ancient fruit.
I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.
Note the “quality” – not just the quantity – of the laugh that you’re getting. This is just as important – if not more – than just getting laughs. Cheap laughs are just that. Your jokes’ll be treated just like Chinese food. In an hour, people’ll be hungry for another comedian.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
I can't tell you 100 percent what makes a relationship work. But I can see something good coming and I can see something bad coming.
You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.
That disturbs people when they know they didn't have the guts or integrity to stick to their dreams.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"