Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 591

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

I still have drive, but everything is relative.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

If reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page? Does anyone get halfway through a book, "What the hell am I reading?"

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

I just try to get people to laugh - I'm not trying to change the world or anything.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

I have not had sex in almost two years. And I think once you hit two years, you get your virginity back… I’m going to just have to trick somebody into doing it. I’m going to have to cover with leaves and hope somebody falls in.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'