Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 591
I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.
For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
I don't consider myself a comic but a performer. A comic tells bad jokes.
Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.
Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.
I'm not saying I'm some high priestess. I do things, I'm sure, that are damaging, but it's certainly not on purpose.
My nosey neighbor called the cops on me for making too much noise during football. Is fluffy gonna have to open up a can whop ass?