Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 591

Funny is funny is funny.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Some kind of way, we have to say enough is enough.

I'm quite good at taking in information so I voraciously inhale Wikipedia - which may have some things wrong in it, but I think is generally more information than we had before. Last tour we didn't have Wikipedia. And then Discovery Channel and History Channel. I can take it in and retain what I think are the most important facts.

I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."

Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.

Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!

I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”

[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."

Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.

Young. Old. Just Words.