Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592
I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.
Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.
I would believe in reincarnation but too many of me ex-girlfriends did and it isn't worth the risk.
A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!
A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholic got to go to them god damn meetings.
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.
I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.