Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592

Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.

Who’s more irrational, a Christian who believes in a God he can’t see, or an atheist who’s offended by a God he doesn’t even believe in?

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?

Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

My father was a huge influence on me.

I'm not a comic. I'm a humorist.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

President Bush said for security reasons, he's sworn off all e-mail communication. He will not be using email at the White House at all. Is that a good idea? I mean, it's not like that speaking thing was working out so good.