Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592

I don't get controversial, I don't get political and I don't tell you what to do with your life. I just go out there and tell some stories, and people can relate.

I love being a dad. I just love it.

I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "Who doesn't have a headache tonight?" Never got a dinner!

Was at Royal Wedding but didn't go inside. Had same hat as Fergie's daughter.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

I swear, I'm so pissed off at my mom. As soon as she's of age, I'm putting her in a home.

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

If you want to live in 'white world,' if you want to experience the stultifying boredom and penetrating ennui that homogeneity can bring, you can go to Canada any day of the year. It's an entire country named Doug.

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

We are simultaneously the most hated, loved, feared and admired nation on this planet. In short, we are Frank Sinatra. And the Chairman didn't make his bones laying down for punks...

I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?

The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.