Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Funny is funny is funny.

The only thing worse than dating a single mom is dating a single mom that won't put out.

Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.

Some kind of way, we have to say enough is enough.

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

Pliny the Elder, who when Rome was burning requested Nero to play "You Picked a Fine Time to Leave Me, Lucille." Never got a dinner!

I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook.

I've never been one to sit back and go, "I'd better do what the audience wants me to do, because I don't want to lose them."

Moses, who said to the Israelites, "Stop calling me Charlton!" Never got a dinner!

You have to be funny about it and honest about it. You can't leave yourself out of that mix. You have to be honest enough to say, I'm that messed-up one in the family.

Taping yourself and making yourself listen to the tape of each performance no matter how bad is really important. There's always a nugget line or a direction pointed out to you in even the worst show.

It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.