Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 592
I’ve got keys to crap I’ve never owned. You put all my keys together I could be a high school janitor tonight.
President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.
Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it's different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion. Don't worry about what people say about you or think about you. Let the naysayers nay. They will eventually grow tired of naying.
If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.
I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook.
Having a gang-bang in Scotland in the winter is like playing Pass The Parcel: there's that many layers!
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?
From 1934 to 1963, the biggest criminals in America ended up on Alcatraz. Nowadays they end up on Wall Street.
Someone once asked me if my dream was to live on in the hearts of my people, and I said I would like to live on in my apartment.