Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 593
Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
I don't like to dabble in anything I don't do well. I don't talk politics.
Nonetheless, I put the phone down feeling guilty. I mean, I picked it up feeling guilty, I feel perpetually guilty, but I put it down feeling guiltier.
The whole world is tense. Everybody gets the international news. There's been no American comedy at all that even remotely addresses the subject in any way. My goal isn't to solve the world's problems. My character wasn't even able to do his assignment. But the premise of wanting to find out about somebody - other than the stuff that the CIA will tell you - there's no hope unless we do that.
Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.
We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
But there's times when I like to find the strange angles to something. People go, 'I heard a lot of jokes like that, but that's one of the most interesting takes I heard.' That's what I try to do.
Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.
After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.
The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.
Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."