Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 593

On many young actors that don't give their parents proper credit: I'm still waiting for some actor to win, say, an Oscar... and deliver the following acceptance speech: I would like to thank my parents, first of all, for letting me live.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

My life is just like Breaking Bad except instead of a chemistry teacher I'm just a guy and instead of making meth I don't do much.

Stand-up comedy - I love this job, and I gotta tell you, folks - knock wood - it's been working. 'Cause I was one of those kind of people, even when I had a regular job, I couldn't even call in sick right. You know, I was like, 'Hello? Yeah, I can't come in today. I have scurvy.'

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

Women should put a picture of their missing husbands on beer cans.

[in imitation of an outraged right-winger] You don't take an active interest in how your country is run for just forty-five years, and look what happens!