Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 593

Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.

If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

Love it when you're smiling.

Two men spit in their hands, help each other out, then laugh about it later. Just to be silly.

I just had a pedicure. My feet are soft like a baby's behind. If his ass was covered in calluses.

Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?

When my parents send me emails the first 3 are blank.

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally - and many internationally - for their wide-ranging achievements.

A tank is made to drive and shoot with a turn that spins at 360 degrees. Do you know what that is? That's a drive-by!

No one can ever know how forceful my pee stream is

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."

I don't like waking up. I feel like staying in bed usually, but I can't because I've got two kids standing next to my bed, just eager to live another day.