Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 594

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well...

I'd like to think my performance is today. I never try to - it's so, as you know, watching me, I have a beginning, middle and ending. But every night the show changes and I relate to an audience and I relate to the young people.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed.

The old days were the old days. And they were great days. But now is now.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

I can always create new material. That's something I can control.

I would write 100 jokes a day. Most of them were terrible. But I just said, 'I'll write more than everybody else, and that's how I'll get better.'

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.