Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 594
A black man failing black history... ain't that some sad shit..... cuz you know, fat people don't fail cooking!
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"
I don't know why men are so fascinated with television and I think it has something to do with - if I may judge from my own father, who used to sit and stare at the TV while my mother was speaking to him - I think that's a man's way of tuning out.
My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.
I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.
I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook.
I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.
You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass.
He went from looking like a Greek god to becoming Buddha: quiet, contained, but so powerful... And he's such a fighter. I thought, "He's going to the hospital, he'll be OK, he'll come out."
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.