Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 594

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh. Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

I mean, I'm not hoping for the apes and the monolith. I'm hoping for controlled chaos to assist us.

A gypsy girl sent an email to an agony Aunt "I am 12 years old and haven't had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?"

Race baiters and discriminators may go underground, but they never move out of town.

The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.

No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well...

I try to be me to the utmost.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.