Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 595
We declared war on terror - it's not even a noun, so, good luck. After we defeat it, I'm sure we'll take on that bastard ennui.
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
So after Another You I ran off to my very own piece of paradise, my home in Hana.
Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.
You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it’s an organism that’s half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
Romney's solution for job creation: allow the slave class to employ their fellow slaves!
I am against the war, but I do support our white troops. No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I'm not a Republican. I'm not a member of the party of inclusion. Wonderful, tolerant, rational human beings they are...
The captain of the Titanic, who said to room service, "Who sent for all this ice?" Never got a dinner!
It’s good to be here. I’m just trying to go through life without looking stupid. It’s not working out too well.