Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 595

A kid asked me for advise about getting into entertainment? I said you better know how to be happy being broke!

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

My career is just kind of crazy.

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

Political promises are much like marriage vows. They are made at the beginning of the relationship between candidate and voter, but are quickly forgotten.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

Funny is funny is funny.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Race baiters and discriminators may go underground, but they never move out of town.

There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'

I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.

You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass.