Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 595
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.
If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.
It definitely has learning a lesson about the way you're living your life. I wouldn't compare our movie to that, but it has a structure where it's about a man who doesn't appreciate all that he has and finds out at the end that life has been great and he has to enjoy that.
Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.
I just say what I think is the funniest thing I could say. I'm not trying to make headlines. I'm just trying to say the stuff that I think is funny and will make people laugh.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.
You've a very important, early decision to make in your life: are you going to be alone, or are you going to be with somebody else? Are you going to be sane, or not lonely? A couple is a strange thing; it’s an organism that’s half as intelligent as the most intelligent member. And you both know who it is.