Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 595

You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

Here's the deal I'm the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

In Hollywood, Oscar is king.

I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

The comics that are just conversing with you up there and drawing on their own life, yeah, I guess so. I guess some do political humor, some do topical humor, but the ones that I like, the ones that are appealing to me, were guys who were just talking to you about their life.

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

I'm a quitter. I come from a long line of quitters. It's amazing I'm here at all.

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!

If you think you have it tough, read history books.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.