Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 599

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

You kill me and I'll see that you never work in this town again.

See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.

I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

We want to be seen as more than just martial artists, or bad stereotype token roles in American TV and movies.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."

I’m not a tough guy, but I can beat up everyone at Trader Joe’s, but at Food-for-Less I shut up. They don‘t have aisles, they have alleys.

Oil prices jumped to well over $100 a barrel, and analysts say it's due to tension in the Middle East. So, luckily, it's just a temporary thing.

Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

I guess I am a true narcissist. I convinced my dog to walk me.

Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.