Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 599

The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.

You know what I want you to do? I want you to blow out the candle and curse the darkness.

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

My first job as a kid was going from door to door selling Christmas cards, to raise money for my grandmother's hip replacement. Because, you know... You break it, you buy it.

You can email me, but I prefer letters that come through conventional mail. I like letters that have been licked by strangers.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

Half the people you know are below average.

I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it. [On Charlie Chaplin]

Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!

Why is pot against the law? It wouldn't be because anyone can grow it, and therefore you can't make a profit off it, would it?

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

While I have the utmost respect for people who practice the Christian faith, the fact is, as everyone knows, I am as Jewish as a matzo ball or kosher salami.

I never played a musical instrument growing up but I knew kids who did and took it very seriously.