Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 599
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.
I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.
Riding a Ducati is like having sex with an aerobics instructor - you know, I'm exhausted and panting and it's going: 'Are you done, already?'
That's the beauty of being a comedian - it's the one job you're allowed to do that. We're lucky. We're really lucky.
I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "Who doesn't have a headache tonight?" Never got a dinner!
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.
My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.
See, I had some drugs and shit right now, I wouldn't give a fuck. But I'd come off stage, and I still wouldn't give a fuck. Then, by the time you're 50, a lotta 'no-givin-a-fuck', you missed part your life.