Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604
IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!
I read comic books but I don’t believe in them. Like if somebody said to me, “Hey Myq, who would win in a fight, Thor or Superman?” I’d say, “I don’t know who would would win that fight my friendless friend. But I do know who would win in a fight between you and anyone you went to high school with.”
I would get my student loans, get money, register and never really go. It was a system I thought would somehow pan out.
Yeah, I’ve been a little down. Totally natural. I’m getting a divorce, but now I’m ready to pull myself up by some G-strings.
I would do a nude scene, sure, if they ever made the movie "Flat Ass Comes to Town!"
In America, one sure sign of success is the presence of an unnecessary waterfall in a person’s yard.
I say to my son, 'What are you going to be for Halloween?' He goes, 'I'm going to be Frankenstein.' And I say, 'OK.' Halloween comes, he walks downstairs, he's got, like, an old suit jacket of mine on, old suit pants, his face is painted green.... I say, 'What are you supposed to be?' He goes, 'I'm Frankenstein!' I said, 'No, you're not. You are the creature. Frankenstein was the doctor who invented the creature. It's a common literary mistake, but you just made it, my friend. Go upstairs and change.'
We are in the stickiest situation since sticky the stick insect got stuck on a sticky bun.
The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
There isn't any "New Man". The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.