Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604

Imagine the wars we would've avoided if prior generations had a website where they could debate tragedy and politics in terse sentences?

It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

I can’t enjoy anything unless everybody is. If one guy is starving someplace, that puts a crimp in my evening.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

You can't just yell jokes at people.

There are three kinda men in the world. There's men that own rope, men that use eye creme, and that dude from Nickleback.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A house divided... is a condominium." Never got a dinner!

When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.