Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604

And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.

Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? I’m so hungry right now.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally - and many internationally - for their wide-ranging achievements.

I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?

I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.

I'm Drew Carey, and just like the Muppets, I've got someone's hand up my butt.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

There's a plastic bag whirling around in the wind. Is it a bag full of shit?

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

Liberal and conservative have lost their meaning in America. I represent the distracted center.

Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."