Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!

Thanks to the notion of dysfunction, every zipperhead in this country can tap himself with a Freudian wand and go from failed frog to misunderstood prince.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

There's a plastic bag whirling around in the wind. Is it a bag full of shit?

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

I just told someone they had a "manly-ass jacket." I may have to give up speaking as my primary form of communication.

I used to have Mad Cow's disease, but I'm alright Nooooooooow.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.

Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.

President Obama wants Congress to increase the minimum wage. Believe me, when it comes to doing the minimum for their wage, Congress knows what it's talking about.

The second piece of news is something that I would imagine most people have heard about by now. Arrested Development got picked up for a third season.

I know this sounds strange, but as a kid, I was really shy. Painfully shy. The turning point was freshman year, when I was the biggest geek alive. No one, I mean no one, even talked to me.

She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.