Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 604

You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

There is a new survey out about the happiest professions. I think the whole premise is flawed. You're supposed to find true happiness outside of work. From friends, family, and YouTube videos of old people falling down.

I guess you could say I'm a direct vessel of god.

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

It's got some heart, but it's got hard jokes. I care more about the hard jokes than the heart.

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

I went to the bank and reviewed my savings. I found out I have all the money I’ll ever need if I die tomorrow.

Everybody repeat after me... "We are all individuals."

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

I don't want to be known as this goody-two-shoes who can only do comedies where puppies are licking peanut butter off my face.

If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.