Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 603

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

When your hobbies get in the way of your work - that's OK; but when your hobbies get in the way of themselves... well...

Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.

I believe that the way to a man’s heart is not through his stomach. It’s a little further south.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

Yeah, I had top-secret clearance and everything.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.

Gags die, humor doesn't.