Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 603

I told jokes badly.

Everybody has their own way of tapping into their realness.

Then you have these people in the movie theaters that talk the whole time during the movie. You ever go with somebody like that to a movie but you don't realize until you get there that you're with somebody like that? Brand new movie. First day it's open. You're there together and the entire time they're sitting there: "Where's she going? Why'd he do that? Is he mad at her?" "I don't know, let's watch and find out together shall we?" You know who you are. You're denying it right now: "I do not do that. Why is she saying that?. What's she gonna say next?"

I think Billy Martin said it best when he said "hey" <br /> [takes a drink of beer] "I can drive"

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

I most resemble Benjamin Button. I evolve. I attach myself to the heartbeat of whatever is going on at that particular time, or I just chart a new path.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.

Once you're heterosexual and comfortable with that, you don't need to take out an announcement every day.

You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.