Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 603
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."
You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.
I got a boy that was married, been married for six years - videotaped his wedding day, never watched it. Six years later, now he watches it every day, but he watches it in reverse. I asked him. He said, 'I love seeing myself take that ring back off her fuckin' finger.'
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...
We're having one of those babies soon. I'm really excited about it because it's probably my first kid.
I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
If someone was to introduce hope and idealism into our political system, I think the tension that would create in other areas would certainly be ripe. You would think that if you bring oxygen to the organism, the organism lives. But there may be other organisms in there that thrive in darkness and in a more anaerobic environment. Watching those creatures writhe will always be interesting.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."
Now, today is the day we honor, of course, the Presidents, ranging from George Washington, who couldn't tell a lie, to George Bush, who couldn't tell the truth, to Bill Clinton, who couldn't tell the difference.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.