Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 603
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.
Get off your ass and do something. Spread your wings and fly. Or, make your friend fly. And, I don't mean, help your friend fly. I mean, force that chubby little non-aerodynamic bastard to freakin' fly.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
I don't like surgery. I don't like elective surgery, I don't like surgery that you have to have.
Comedy isn't polite and it isn't correct and it isn't accurate, even. It's just a mess. So that's the way that I approach it.
I don't want to get close to people who have secrets that I don't know about.
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.
From the minute we're born, boys and girls stare at each other, trying to figure out if they like what they see. Like parade lines, passing each other for mutual inspection. You march, you look. You march, you look. If you're interested, you stop and talk, and if it doesn't work out, you just get back in the parade. You keep marching, and you keep looking.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.