Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605

Young. Old. Just Words.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

A guy calls his lawyer. He says, 'Can I ask you two questions?' Lawyer says, 'What's the second one?'

Think of me as a sex symbol for men who just don't give a damn.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I was student council president in high school, and even in law school, I was vice-president of the student bar association.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make you fat.

Culture shock at barber shops cause I ain't hood enough.

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, ‘I want to go to that McDonalds.'

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

It's so much easier for me to talk about my life in front of two thousand people than it is one-to-one. I'm a real defensive person, because if you were sensitive in my neighborhood you were something to eat.