Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...

President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

If you ask my dad for help... he'll help. Like a vulture helps an over-run armadillo on a Texas highway. One peck at the time.

I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.

I am fucked up. I apologize from the bottom of my cock. I'm sorry for my ass and my sack. It's my fault, my bad. Who's your daddy? Say my name, look me in the eye.

Bambi, to a kid, was scary.

I love to go to the doctor. Where else would a man look at me and say 'Take off your clothes'?

I want to be able to go into a room of aliens and be funny. I don’t care who it is. I don’t ever want to limit myself to a type of comedy because I don’t want to be stuck. I want to be able to make anybody laugh and that’s the key for me.

I'm the youngest, too. When you're the youngest of a big family, people are like, "You're the baby, you're spoiled!" The fact of the matter is, when you're the youngest of a big family, by the time you're a teenager, your parents are insane. You're like, "Hey, I'm going roller-skating-" "You're not going roller-skating or you'll end up pregnant like your sister. Why don't you smoke pot and become a lawyer?"

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

Well I don't know what the city of Hollywood knows about foreign policy, but do I know that a lot of people do learn and educate themselves about policy and I don't have to be a policy expert to know that this will be a disaster.