Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

I told jokes badly.

Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.

I could be talking about cats and someone who’s a cat owner can go, “Hey man, you shouldn’t talk about cats!” and I’m like, “I bet you if your cat was sitting here he wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about.”

Not only do I sing to him, I sing entire conversations. You become Jerry Lewis.

I tell ya, I don't get no respect ... Last week, my wife told me that she was going to cut me down to twice a month. But I thought about it, and I figured that it wasn't too bad. I know a couple of guys that she cut out completely.

I'd rather be over the hill than under it.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

Always do whatever's next.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

I can move objects with my mind if I use my hands.

I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.