Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

I was eating some candy and looked on the wrapper, and it said "made from natural and artificial flavors." You could just say "flavors."

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

Well I don't know what the city of Hollywood knows about foreign policy, but do I know that a lot of people do learn and educate themselves about policy and I don't have to be a policy expert to know that this will be a disaster.

You say you're sick and tired of hearing about me? I've got news for you: I'm sick and tired of hearing about me.

There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.