Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 605
I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
President Obama signed into law the repeal of 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell.' What does it say about us that we think gay men can handle armed combat, but can't handle marriage?
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
I wonder if it’s rude for a deaf person to talk with food in their hands.
I'll drive down the street, and I'll practice improv. I will sit there at a red light and see two guys talking to each other, and I will just start playing both characters. I can't hear them, but I can see their mouths moving, so I'll just put words in their mouths.
My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.