Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 606

Dos tequilas for the table por favor, both of them for the lady.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Some are from the world of the arts, some from the fields of business, architecture, wine-making and education. What they have in common is that they are all known nationally - and many internationally - for their wide-ranging achievements.

I thought about becoming a lesbian. Those bitches look like they're having a helluva time, don't they? But then you gotta get into the whole lesbian scene, you know, and go buy hiking boots and a truck. And then, who pays for shit? I guess the guy who's watching, but what if he's not there?

My sister wanted a cat for a pet… I wanted a dog, so they bought a cat and taught it to bark.

I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

I started doing the star turn and making a profit off it. Now I'm kind of one of them.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."

You can't just yell jokes at people.

I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

I've arrived at the place if I'm not taking a career risk, I'm not happy. If I'm scared, then I know I'm being challenged.

I performed for the U.S. troops in Guantanamo Bay. And signed autographs for people who've been gone from America for so long they didn't realize that I'm not famous.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.