Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 606

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.

My career is just kind of crazy.

I found people looked better when they laughed.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

Another bum asked me "Can I have $300 for a cup of coffee?" I told him "Coffee's a quarter!" The bum said "Yeah, but I want to drink it in Brazil!"

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."

It's starting to feel good, although I don't like feeling too good - that's not where my comedy comes from.

My wife is going to kill me. But you look like my wife, so that's Ok!

I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

You know, I have to admit, I saw this robbery coming from a mile away, which is why I put my car keys up my ass.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.