Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 606

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.

Abraham Lincoln, who said, "A house divided... is a condominium." Never got a dinner!

When you're going for a joke, you're stuck out there if it doesn't work. There's nowhere to go. You've done the drum role and the cymbal clash and you're out on the end of the plank.

Don't drink on weekends either... if you are gonna feel like shit tomorrow, drink Sunday through Thursday.

A kiss is the shortest distance between two.

So when you do get on, the first class people are already sitting there; they're all sprawled out on their big thrones. "Bring me the head of a pig! And a goblet of something cool and refreshing! Anyone have a fiddle? Amuse me."

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.

Valentines Day is a day we celebrate real love. A love so strong that two hearts become one. Yeah, when you're happy, she's happy. And when you're angry, she's angry. And when you start wallowing in self-pity because your hotrod shop tanks and everybody's against you so you start drinking. And then she moves out and goes and lives with her parents, pfft. Or was that the day after Valentines Day? Doesn't matter. I'll go get another one just like her.

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

I can always create new material. That's something I can control.

There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.