Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

I don't feel an obligation to give everyone a hard time, but when they're important people, it's fun.

If Mandela were a comedian, I bet he would never get mad at a heckler, he'd give him or her a hug.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

I don't get what is so cool about dating DJ's. That's like dating a valet because he drives a nice car.

My mom raised me to never have anything control me.

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future

I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.