Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
You might be a redneck if your 'huntin dog' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
I'm a big fan of pastries the size of a baby that contain enough calories for a year. That seems like an effective use of time.
Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, social security - hey, how about we privatize privacy! Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can`t all marry Liza Minnelli.
I'm an appalling cook. I can just about create a glass of orange juice and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
Then you women created a word: "Manscape." And we shaved ourselves bald like nine year-old boys. 'Cause we wanted to sleep with you.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost - $50. If found, just keep it."
I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.
My husband always felt that a marriage and career don’t mix. That’s why he’s never worked.
I’ve started to get this feeling that I’m totally, totally fucked.
If you don't know how to meditate at least try to spend some time every day just sitting.
If you do stories, or material with a lot of tags, or afterthought lines, you’ll probably have to cut those out. In other words, you’ll have to strip-mine your material and “lean” it up for time constraints.