Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Nobody is more truthful when he's acting than De Niro.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

Take care not to wear stripes that are out of sync with your wrinkles.

I never touched a gun in my life. That and that alone forever doomed me to middle management.

My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.

I do love America. And L. A. is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.

Why would you go out and not drink? Just stay home and sit there.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."

You know, the people who do indie film and decide who gets those little budgets? They're mean, man. They're cold and very cool-oriented.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.