Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 607

The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.

I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.

Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.

Obviously the name of the show is a joke, a friend of mine gave it to me. But some people are very literal. Sometimes you see things like "He's not the smartest man in the world! All he does is drink." Well, they're not listening very closely.

Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

I think the American legal system sucks worse than a Celine Dion cover version of "Whole Lotta Love."

You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

You know what I learned about Hawaiians? They're just blown up Mexicans!

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.

I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.