Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 608
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.
If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
I don't sit down with a goal of writing. I read books or magazines. I watch TV. I go to the doctor. I get on airplanes. I live a normal life and sometimes I'll notice something or read things or experience things.
She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone - logistical nightmare.
I'm not against ratings per se. I think more information is always good. But I certainly don't think the government has to step in and set guidelines for how shows should be rated.
I grew up in a town called Hopedale, Massachusetts. I was born there in 1964, and the only thing I hate outside of myself is everything else.
The regular guy still relates to him and Howard is a $500 million guy now who dates a model and drives about in a limo all day. But Howard still knows how to make a plumber laugh and those guys still have him on in the morning, because he is a real talent.
I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
Seriously, I don't need a gun. I'm easily annoyed. I would shoot people in my house that I invited over.
(When asked by Johnny Carson what he liked most about living in the United States versus living in Russia.) "Warning shots. In the U.S. the police shoot in the air -- in Russia they shoot straight ahead, that's warning for the next guy."
No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.