Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 608
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
We want to be seen as more than just martial artists, or bad stereotype token roles in American TV and movies.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.
The whole world is tense. Everybody gets the international news. There's been no American comedy at all that even remotely addresses the subject in any way. My goal isn't to solve the world's problems. My character wasn't even able to do his assignment. But the premise of wanting to find out about somebody - other than the stuff that the CIA will tell you - there's no hope unless we do that.
But there's times when I like to find the strange angles to something. People go, 'I heard a lot of jokes like that, but that's one of the most interesting takes I heard.' That's what I try to do.
Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
It's true that I have spoken about doing a book before, but then everyone you speak to is planning to write a book.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
A new survey shows that married women are having 40 percent more extramarital sex than 20 years ago. Scientists say that number drops significantly when they subtract your mom.