Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 608

Bambi, to a kid, was scary.

A remembrance can mean nothing to the one remembered; it can only remind the ones left behind how little they did while you were still alive.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

Always do whatever's next.

Ladies, next time your man pisses you off, do not give him the silent treatment. Instead, go Google the most important game of the season, sit next to him during that game and just ask as many fucking questions as possible. 'I don't understand, who's that guy in the striped shirt? Does he work at Foot Locker? I don't understand, why are they all wearing the same outfit? When are we going to have a baby?' Eventually he will shoot himself in the face, and you fucking win that argument.

I’ve turned many a head in my day... and a few stomachs.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

And since we’re all adults here, let’s be brutally honest – most babies are not actually attractive. In fact, they’re weird and freakish looking. A large percentage of them are squinty-eyed and bald and their faces are all mushed toegther, kind of like Renee Zellweger pushed up against a glass window.

No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, "Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."

What are imitation rhinestones?

The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.

As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.