Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 616
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
I was living in a place where I was harming myself. I was irresponsible. I`d lost several apartments. I couldn`t hold a job. I was tired of being a no-good son of a bitch who called himself a man but was just a grown boy.
You can't talk about fucking in America, people say you're dirty. But if you talk about killing somebody, that's cool.
But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
They just opened a Starbucks across the street from a Starbucks.
My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.
LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.
As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.
Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.