Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 616

Why do you always give me jobs you know I'm going to fail at?

It's so much easier to be cynical.

I actually had the urge to elbow an elderly lady today...

I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.

If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.

You might be a redneck if your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."

The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.

I met my husband when a friend sent him over to my house to cure my hiccoughs.

I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.

That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.

Excited about Black Friday. Also excited about Jew Tuesday.

My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.

The mistake that people make in stand-up is thinking they're profound or they're deep when there are so many people who have more worthwhile ways of phrasing things.

Your husband drinks too much if he says he never drinks alone, but considers the goldfish somebody.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.