Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 616
In California, 50 women protested the I'm pending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president.
I came from an Italian house. The refrigerator was always full. I never knew you had to buy food. I thought there were food fairies that came at night.
Married or Single? There is no good choice. It’s like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
We had a pregnancy scare… about eight months into the relationship. Well, she had a pregnancy scare. I had a leave-the-state scare. It’s different.
Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.
When you stand alone and sell yourself, you can't please everyone. But when you're different, you can last.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
The X-Games - I watch that; I'm not impressed. That's white dudes' desperation. They're running out of sports. They gotta find something that black dudes won't touch.
I watched Master Class with Lorne Michaels on OWN. How can somebody produce a sketch show and talk for an hour and not say something even slightly amusing, or sarcastic, or ironic, or interesting, or informative? ‘My mission as a producer is to encourage creativity.’ Mission accomplished.
Get off your ass and do something. Spread your wings and fly. Or, make your friend fly. And, I don't mean, help your friend fly. I mean, force that chubby little non-aerodynamic bastard to freakin' fly.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
I want to be able to go into a room of aliens and be funny. I don’t care who it is. I don’t ever want to limit myself to a type of comedy because I don’t want to be stuck. I want to be able to make anybody laugh and that’s the key for me.
My brain is very fantastical. If I ever actually recorded myself, I could probably win a Grammy for sex talk. Being on the road while in relationships, you need to learn to pleasure one another.