Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 616
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "
My horse's jockey was hitting the horse. The horse turns around and says "Why are you hitting me, there is nobody behind us!"
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older, I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
We export films that are full of sleazy jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What's seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.
Even though your kids will consistently do the exact opposite of what you're telling them to do, you have to keep loving them just as much.
Once you succeed at something it’s hard to keep it fresh and exciting so you have to keep challenging yourself. You have to be a moving target or it won’t work.
The best way to have an affair without feeling guilty is to sleep with your therapist.
Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'