Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 615
And for all of you at home, you are all welcome to visit my store. You are also welcome to park off you motherparking parks, and go park yourself. But remember, don't park in a handicapped spot.
Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.
You might be a redneck if you use the term 'over yonder' more than once a month.
You might be a redneck if... the most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection.
N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
It's ok that I'm swearing. One, because, you know, I'm lucky enough to live in a country where I'm allowed to do that, and two, and much more importantly, I'm British, and it just sounds adorable coming out of my mouth. You know it's true. You just can't be offended in the same way. I'll give you an example: fuck knuckle. That's borderline poetry!
I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.
Chapter One. He was as tough and romantic as the city he loved. Behind his black-rimmed glasses was the coiled sexual power of a jungle cat. Oh, I love this. New York was his town, and it always would be.
Just a tip if you have a big event to go to or an important meeting, if you cry enough your face swells up giving you a temporary "lift".
If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married.
I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?