Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 615

Sometimes when I am driving I get so angry at inconsiderate drivers that I want to scream at them. But then I remember how insignificant that is, and I thank God that I have a car and my health and gas. That was phrased wrong - normally you wouldn't say, thank God I have gas.

I never went out looking for glory.

You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

If you eat a lot of spicy food, you can damage your sense of taste. When I was in Mexico last year, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.

Lydia was the kind of friend whom people referred to as a 'party favor' - always fun to be around but she doesn't have any patience for suffering unless it's her own.

People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.

My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

For some reason I get advertised when I travel as a political comedian, which I'm not. Sometimes I talk about it and sometimes I don't.

That whole thing has been overstated by environmentalists. First of all, what is it, rocks and snow? C'mon, what is that, you want that? Go to Canada my friend. Believe me, rocks and snow are overrated. I've seen otters - they look better covered in oil.

“Is that a gun in your pocket or you just pleased to see me? No its me knob.”

Every father says the same thing: "Where's your mother?"

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.