Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 617
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone - logistical nightmare.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!
I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!
That's the trouble with being me. At this point, nobody gives a damn what my problem is. I could literally have a tumor on the side of my head and they'd be like, "Yeah, big deal. I'd eat a tumor every morning for the kinda money you're pulling down."
I’m not a tough guy, but I can beat up everyone at Trader Joe’s, but at Food-for-Less I shut up. They don‘t have aisles, they have alleys.
As a general rule, I’ll talk about anything, provided it’s funny. But some topics - disease, famine, Big Daddy Kane - have a slightly higher threshold for how funny an idea must seem for me to try it onstage.
I've started to kind of hate people, and it's not because I have anything against them. It's just, I enjoy it. It's recreation.
I saw the head of NOW - National Organization of Women - saying that women still only make 70 cents on the dollar to every man. I’m not sure I’m going to believe that. Women are notoriously bad at math.
There have been times I’ve been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, ‘Time to go home.’