Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 617

He gives his wife something to look forward to - a divorce.

I love Costas. He's knows too much, but he's a good guy.

People walk past me in the street and look at me, but because they think I work in their office and they can't remember my name.

You might be a redneck if fewer than half of your cars run.

No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.

I read comic books but I don’t believe in them. Like if somebody said to me, “Hey Myq, who would win in a fight, Thor or Superman?” I’d say, “I don’t know who would would win that fight my friendless friend. But I do know who would win in a fight between you and anyone you went to high school with.”

Personally, when I’m picking friends, I like the ones who don’t make me cry myself to sleep.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.

But after they settle in you've still got to be funny, because for an hour just the fact they get to see you live in a theater is going to wear off if you're not doing well.