Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 617
Taping yourself and making yourself listen to the tape of each performance no matter how bad is really important. There's always a nugget line or a direction pointed out to you in even the worst show.
Or people who have one baby and go buy a minivan... how big is your baby?
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
How many amoebas does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, no two! No four! ...no eight!
I really like Dane Cook as a person. And I want to fuck him, mentally and physically. I'll stop there before offering anymore bad puns.
How did Dr. Drew become the only psychologist who appears on tv. Did he sign an exclusive with CNN?
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.
I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.
I think that sometimes I’ve been a little too nice. I think you have to have a balance. When you’re too nice people take you for granted, they take you for a fool I think.
There's always that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'
I'd distract myself until finally it was a combination of things. The show was over and I had time on my hands. I had taken time and played and just relaxed.