Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 617
Historically the mainstream media has never been particularly friendly to any socially progressive ideas.
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
We all hold on to some image of the family we want, based one way or another on the family we had. Lots of people are thrilled about the families they came from, others couldn't get away fast enough. Most people fall into that vast middle ground: great affection mixed with a few ideas for improvement. A couple of things they wish could have perhaps been done differently.
That shit [religion] was going on all over the planet. They would tell them about sky cookies, or sky pie, or sky baklava. And as each of these civilizations grew, they built ships; they'd go visit each other, and the one guy would walk off the boat and go,'Hey, did you hear the good news about the sky baklava?' and the first guy went,'It's CAKE, motherfucker! You're dead!'
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stoller.
Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.
I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple, or green." Uh, hold on now: purple or green?! You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocating, then help 'em.
I told a joke and people laughed and it was the best feeling. I knew I wanted to do this as a career. I never knew I could get such a high from telling a joke. There’s something so extraordinary about having people listening to you and hanging onto your words - it’s a great feeling.
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.