Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 621
I fell in love with the right person, a person I know and who knows me.
The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.
Sometimes shit comes out your mouth that you don't expect! All you need is a goddamn witness. An audience is a goddamn witness.
Pam Anderson and Rick Salomon just got themselves a marriage license. I think before she gets married again Pam needs to slow down and think about whether this is really the man she wants to spend three or four months of her life with.
If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'
I can empathize with President George Bush. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.
Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.
The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!
The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.