Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 621

Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

It's tough, but I try to wait until the second date before I bring up my dead girlfriends.

A bikini is like a barbed-wire fence. It protects the property without obstructing the view.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

Obama says his recreation consists of reading the Constitution... looking for a loophole.

Those who learn nothing from history are condemned to rewrite it.

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

I'm the first person in history to die in my own dream but It turned out only to be a stunt double.

I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."