Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 621

He had a passion and a depth of belief, and an optimism, and a tenacity that I very much admired. He was one of the first people I remember learning about, and maybe his death left an indelible mark. I felt that Robert Kennedy was a man of political integrity.

That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.

I live in New York right now but I'm originally from my daddy's nuts. We all are. Think about, we the lucky ones - we made it. You all are winners. That's the first race you ever won.

I've always been opposed to groups. I can't believe the doctrine of group is going to work for every single person within the group.

My nosey neighbor called the cops on me for making too much noise during football. Is fluffy gonna have to open up a can whop ass?

There's a trench coat and a tragedy in your future

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

I just felt wonderful about that. Just to erase all that mess about,"'Well, I'm either flipping burgers or doing drugs, you know, or getting shot." You know, that kind of a thing.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

When are we going to realize in this country that our wealth is work? That we're workers, and by selling this idea of, "Hey man, I'll teach you how to be rich" - how is that any different than an infomercial?

Who’s more irrational, a Christian who believes in a God he can’t see, or an atheist who’s offended by a God he doesn’t even believe in?

Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.