Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626
My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"
There's a word the teabaggers have wanted to use since Obama came on the scene, but they can't because it's not the 1950s. They would love to say this word. It begins with an N and ends with -er, and it's not "nation-builder".
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?
What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a poodle peeing on your leg? You let the Rottweiler finish.
Now, if they were just honest about it and were like, 'Look, this guy's going to die in, like, seven or eight minutes; I'm going to get a bag of cash and a Lexus,' I wouldn't have a problem with it.
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.
For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.
A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.