Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626
There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you’re talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they’re supposed to prevent, that’s like the hackiest joke out there now. If you’re still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.
I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!
Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.