Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626
I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?
Things are so scary and intimidating with AIDS and the right wing that people are looking for somebody to just give them safe harbors.
My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.
In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.