Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
I never played a musical instrument growing up but I knew kids who did and took it very seriously.
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.
Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.
She picked me up in her car because I was traveling by bus, and I thought it would be a lot easier for her to pick me up in her car than for me to convince Greyhound to reroute the bus to go by her house. The paperwork alone - logistical nightmare.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices... in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air...