Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 626
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
You must study their deliveries, their use of their bodies, their timing, and their use of audio and vocal effects.
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
Note the “quality” – not just the quantity – of the laugh that you’re getting. This is just as important – if not more – than just getting laughs. Cheap laughs are just that. Your jokes’ll be treated just like Chinese food. In an hour, people’ll be hungry for another comedian.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
Gay men have to go through something to own their - who they are. They get beat up. They get ostracized. Whatever they go through, if they survive it, they come out very confident people.
My life is nothing like the Daddy Day Care life. Me around the house is nothing like the Daddy Day Care dad.
Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.
I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.
If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.