Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 627

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

Note the “quality” – not just the quantity – of the laugh that you’re getting. This is just as important – if not more – than just getting laughs. Cheap laughs are just that. Your jokes’ll be treated just like Chinese food. In an hour, people’ll be hungry for another comedian.

Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.

That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.

When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I've never been disappointed, because I've never given somebody I liked that much power.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Our grandparents fucking ate anything put in front of them! Your granddad would say "What's for tea, love?" "Tripe!" "Oooooohh! Animal stomach lining for fucking tea, man!" They ate anything, fucking monkey's phlegm, orangutang's bollocks. I dunno I'm just making them up now... chicken's quiff!

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards than being a father to my children.

I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.

Most republicans are against contraception because they don't care about it. You can't get pregnant anally anyway.

She was so helpful and so sweet and so giving. I call it the food-poisoning effect. Everybody knows where they got food poisoning. We take that first bite and there's kind of an awful taste or a bad smell. You knew it was a little off, but you just kept going.