Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 627
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
I love that mentality, “Boo! You went to a different school than I did. I want everyone going to the same school. One school. 140 million students. Or I go ‘boo.’ I am the least tolerant human being on Earth. What’d you have for dinner tonight? Chinese food. I had Japanese. Boo. You like Triskets. I like Wheat Thins. Boo. You like regular Starburst fruits chews. I like the tropical. Boo.”
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
I don't mind when my horse is left at the post. I don't mind when my horse comes up to me in the stands and asks, "Which way do I go?" But when the horse I bet on is at the $2 window betting on another horse in the same race...
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.
I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.
There's always that great photo of the actress or model lifting up her shirt just to show you the bone structure and the six-pack of her own. It's almost like when horses are auctioned and they show you their teeth. 'Am I good enough?'
I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.