Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 627
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.
In show business, it takes 10 years to create an overnight success. You've heard that, right? But what you don't hear is that that's the exact same amount of time it takes to create a bitter failure.
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
My kids are growing up and it's hard to accept they are their own person and they're independent.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.