Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 625

My father was a really funny guy. He lived a good long life. And he was the reason I wanted to be funny and become a comedian and a comedy writer, so to say that he's somewhat of a mythic figure in my life would be an understatement.

Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.

Wise men say that time is like a river. I say time is like a river of shit... and as you float down that river in your little canoe, your paddles are getting smaller and smaller.

Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

For my stand-up, I always have my notebook with me and if something strikes me, I'll write it down.

Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.

You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

To me, there is no greater act of courage than being the one who kisses first.

You know what is good about these Dixie Chicks burnings or bashings? It's a wonderful, wonderful way for really stupid people to hook up. They meet, they throw some things on the fire, they talk about Vin Diesel, they tell stories about who their favorite Fox anchor is, they exchange phone numbers and in some cases has led to marriages.

I didn't know the full facts of life until I was 17. My father never talked about his work.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.