Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 625
Women like jewelry. They’re like racoons: show them some shiny stuff and they’ll follow you home.
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
Isn't this posh? I'll bet you need credit references just to get in the pool.
I'm interested in doing everything and anything that I can to squeeze that creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm sort of a performance rat.
I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.
I just staunchly bought one frame during a two-for-one frame sale and barely left the store alive.
I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.
People say, 'Well don't you regret not having kids?' And I go, 'No, not really.' And then if they keep asking, I always say this, 'Well, you know, maybe I'll adopt.' But I don't mean that. It's just something I say to make me sound like a nicer person.
Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
Farts are - I just refuse to be snobbish about certain shit with comedy. You know, farts come out of your ass and they make a fucking trumpet sound. That shit smelling gas comes out of your ass and it makes a toot sound. What the fuck is not funny about that? It’s perfect, it’s a perfect joke. It has all the elements.
I'm in a situation with this girl that's as hopeless as overthrowing the Bush administration.
Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?
That security guard can never tell me where to park. What does he know about parking? He can tell me where to stand.