Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 625
If Wednesday is Hump Day, Thursday should be Panic, Regret, I Can't Find My Left Shoe and Why Does It Burn When I Pee? Day.
That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.
Christine Todd Whitman had to resign as the head of the EPA. You know, when the governor of New Jersey decides the environment is hopeless, you gotta really think that one through.
I can tell this isn’t a gay club because he’s not in shape and I don’t recognize the club.
Whoo! Heidi! Little goat girl, you are kicking the jam. You've got my lederhosen in a situation.
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
You should be like Calvin. His best friend was a tiger, and he went on dope adventures, and if anything got in his way, he’d just pee on it.
Let us just say: I was deeply unhappy, but I didn't know it, because I was so happy all the time.
N'Sync and Aerosmith are two bands that don't even belong in the same state as each other!
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?
You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
I think you can go from being not very funny to working really hard for 10 years and figuring out how to make a living on the road, but I don't think you can rise much above that.