Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 625
You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
I've done more than I thought I was ever going to do. I've had a very long and very satisfying career.
I bet in the Arab world all they show of America is Jerry Springer. "Look at the Americans,they fuckin' stupid? He's fucking his cousin! Not like you and me, its different. They do it dirty. They do some other way. Its different. "
Note the “quality” – not just the quantity – of the laugh that you’re getting. This is just as important – if not more – than just getting laughs. Cheap laughs are just that. Your jokes’ll be treated just like Chinese food. In an hour, people’ll be hungry for another comedian.
You might be a redneck if your ironing board doubles as a buffet table.
That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.
A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away.
Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!
I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.
Found a fragrance called Vixen. Guess they can't name them after the people who actually wear them. Nobody's going to buy Secretary.
Have you ever noticed nobody has ever ordered a grapefruit the size of a tumor? Ever. There's no reciprocity.
One of the things that’s funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go ‘Oh, you’re great, but I don’t know what to do with you.’ The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, ‘I made this thing, and I’m going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.’