Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 625
The bile makes it better. I am an information wasting machine - 100s of words a day.
My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.
If golf wasn't enjoyable and there wasn't a lot of humor and enjoyment, even though the game is so frustrating, you would wonder why you put yourself through it.
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!
You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.'
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
I'm really white. I'm English white, that's basically turbo white. My skin is borderline translucent. If I'm standing, and the sun is behind me, I'm a functioning x-ray.