Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 628
The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
Whenever I go out with other married couples, I like to bring along a single crackhead. Just to spice things up.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.
On his appendix: Why would God put it in you when it does nothing but randomly kill you for no reason?
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.
Note the “quality” – not just the quantity – of the laugh that you’re getting. This is just as important – if not more – than just getting laughs. Cheap laughs are just that. Your jokes’ll be treated just like Chinese food. In an hour, people’ll be hungry for another comedian.
We export films that are full of sleazy jokes and toilet humor - that`s why we've earned the affectionate nickname of the Great Satan. What's seemingly benign, by our standards, is doing more damage to us around the world than anything I could ever do.
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.