Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 628

I'm not busy... a woman with three children under the age of 10 wouldn't think my schedule looked so busy.

Comedy is the blues for people who can’t sing.

You know you're an alcoholic when the bartender knows your name... and you've never been to that bar before.

Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?

Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.

My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

What right does a politician have to tell me what I can and cannot watch? Change the channel if you don't like what's on TV!

Anyone who isn't pro choice never slept with a stripper from Kansas City.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.

You can’t always be 100-percent positive that a joke will work, so you’ve just got to try it. Fortunately, if one new joke doesn’t work, I’ve got lots of old ones that do. Just like cops, it’s important to have backup.

I want to make a revolving door that says 'Pull' on it, just see how obedient people are.

My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.