Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 628
People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
I watched Ken Burns' Civil War series on PBS. My favorite segment is when Bob Hope entertains the troops at Gettysburg.
If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
There's a plastic bag whirling around in the wind. Is it a bag full of shit?
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
Dogs seem more photogenic than cats. In photos most cats look like sociopaths.
I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.