Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 628
When I was 18, I thought I was in love. First time - you know that magic feeling. So, I asked my father. I said, 'Dad is love real?' And he said, 'No. But herpes is, so watch your ass.'
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
There's no one I admire more than Lee. To be Mexican-American at a time when our culture was really invisible, and to slay the best golfers in the world with a homemade, 'freehand' swing, which is such a Mexican thing, and for me to see that with the big eyes of a kid, as a lot of young kids connect success to Tiger, I connect my success to Lee. It turned out we both grew up knowing what it's like to be alone, we both learned how to mask some of that by being funny, and now to know him and love him, and have him love me more than anyone from my own upbringing, to have him call me 'My boy,' man, that's it.
I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
That’s why I don’t have a religion. I don’t want to have to say that, okay, I agree with everything a guy says.