Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 635
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Two guys in a gym, one putting on a girdle. One guys says, 'Since when have you been wearing a girdle?' Other guy says, 'Since my wife found it in the glove compartment of our car.'
My dog of 17 years just died. Oh you're kidding?.. No... as funny as that is, I'm not.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'
There are few performers who would have had the audacity to even bring up the fact that they had been poorly reviewed.
This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.