Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 635

I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.

If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.

I never care what people think of me, especially myself.

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.

I really wish they hadn't made the set out of asbestos.

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

There is a video out now on how to please men. Here's tip number 1: Just show up!

I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.

It felt very natural right off the bat. It was really tailor-made for him and mine was tailor-made for me, so it was easy to jump into.

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

For most of my relationships, I would have liaisons, and I would feel guilty.