Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 635
Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.
But then the Roman Empire fell like this- "oh shit". And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going -"er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?" Then there was the dark Ages. " I can't even see you! Where are you?"
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
In school, I wasn't a very good student - I was very irresponsible and never did the studying but always liked to get the laugh.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
I know when the anthrax thing hit, white people y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, “Oh my God Aries, be careful. Don’t open the mail.” Black folks was never worried about anthrax. Because half the time we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill… Y’all want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
My nephew said, "Uncle Emo, are you giving me a puppy for Christmas?" I said, "Now, now! You've been shaking the box, haven't you?"