Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 635

I was in the ROTC. Of course, ROTC stood for 'Running off to Canada.'

Are you moving so quick now that it seems like time has stopped?

Don't yell at people. Stand up for what's right. Put yourself in the other persons place. Respect women. Don't take no for an answer. Laugh at yourself. Don't believe what you are told. Fall in love.

If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"

If I get lucky enough one day to have Howard`s money and life... Actually, you know what, if I ever get Howard money I am going to retire.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

My parents didn't want to get divorced until they passed away.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

The winner of the Westminster Dog Show gets to drink champagne - out of the toilet.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.