Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 635

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I got a wake up call - not like, 'Stop doing heroin.' Like in a hotel.

I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!

I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

When I was a kid my family said having feelings was an act of treason.

It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.

I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

As a writer, the worst thing you can do is work in an environment of fear of rejection.

Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to people watch. And I got to a touristy area and I play this game I just made up. I call it "Lesbian or Midwestern?"

In any other job, they're truck drivers. In show-biz, they're "Transportation Captains."

I have always tried to use humour to "help ever" and "hurt never," for I find that to laugh is like swallowing a secret that Santa Claus farted.

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.