Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 636
I had sex with a couple guys but it wasn't a baseball team. I saved that for my twenties.
By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.
I think the most annoying language is a tie between all the ones I don't know how to speak.
The United States of America will fare well so long as it has enough water to let it go to waste, both literally and figuratively. And he imagines how someone from an impoverished third-world nation must react to our collective nonchalant wasting of water, or of throwing money into fountains.
We are burning a telephone pole. I don't know where we got a telephone pole. I do know it's pretty high up there on the Drunk Theft Scale, though.
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...
Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
I used to have a theory actually that, if you've had a good childhood, a good marriage and a little bit of money in the bank, you're going to make a lousy comedian.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you.