Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 636

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

Every few months I'll pop into a comedy club or go to Vegas.

I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.

For the first two seasons, Dr. Phil had everyone believing he wasn't an egotistical jackass.

Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they’d ever given blood.

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”

When you take a pause before delivering your punch line, you will be using silence as a creative entity in itself.

I got pulled over by the cops because I was swerving a bit while trying to change the radio. It was a shame, 'cos I'd almost disconnected the old one.

I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.

A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.

You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Why are the pictures square if the lens is round?

I told jokes badly.

It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'