Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 636

No, I'm not dying, and I sure... ain't dead.

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Get a sense of humor. If you don't, it'll be incredibly frustrating.

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

I don't aim to offend.

I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

The best part is just having a partner. There is no real worst part. I'm not going to say there's a worst part. I mean I'm a comedian - comedians like to work alone. So maybe I'm not the ideal guy to be married to, in that sense.

You might be a redneck if your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"

It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.

Without the reality, it's just slamming into things. If you start with that physical comedy, then things surely but slowly fall apart. But you build on that reality and then you can go pretty outrageous - up to the Keaton-like gags.