Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 641
I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.
But you see, you measure what a good time you had by how much it fucks you up. You go out tonight, get ripped, get shitfaced. You'll wake up tomorrow and somebody will talk to you, and ask: "How was last night?". You'll say: "It was fantastic! I can't see. No sens- no feeling, nothing, no sensation down the left side of my body. Oh! I can't even form sentences! You should've come, you would've at least lost an ear!
I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
Would it be ironic if we had to go back to Iraq to rid it of the Al Quaeda that wasn't there before we got there to rid it of Al Queda?
Welcome to the Academy Awards, a glittering two hours of entertainment, spread out over four hours. For those of you taping this on Betamax, you're under arrest.
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm crazy about the fact that the Jewish people should survive because they have so much to contribute and so many values to contribute to the world. It would be a much better world, a much more peaceful and non-violent world if we lived by Jewish values.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.