Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 641

We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.

They mess with your food, they do. They go 'Well Wanda, first we're gonna cut out all your carbs...' OK, wait a minute, hold up. Let me explain something to you. I've got this medical condition, and when you cut out my carbs - my foot? Right up your ass.

We would have broken up except for the children. Who were the children? Well, she and I were.

You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?

I feel like we’re in a Noel Coward play. Someone should be making martinis.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

I will just order the most effeminate-sounding drink on the menu... 'I would like the breezy tampon please.' Not sure what would be in the breezy tampon exactly -- tomato juice I guess.... but it would be cute because it would be served with a little maraschino fetus.

We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers; they could call it Anon Anon.

I think some teams shied away because of it, ... But Minnesota stuck with me and I was happy about that.

Small businesses are important, but so are tiny businesses.

This is the first time that Irish people go: ‘You’re going to England? Sure it’s full of terrorists. Come to Ireland. We’ve no terrorists. They’re all playwrights now.’

The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”

You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.

I'm having trouble convincing my girlfriend to start a fight club.

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.