Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 641
Being extraordinary is hard. It takes work, and pain, and a good mom, and a good dad, and a good pair of shoes, and I cant do it. It's not in me. Ordinary is all I got. Cheers.
Nancy Reagan, who said to Jerry Zipkin, "What do you wear to a recession?" Never got a dinner!
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
I couldn't do sports and so in my head I was like, 'Ladies will see my hand to hand dexterity and they will want these hands inside them.' First of all, flawed, you're juggling balls.
My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
I don't respect religon. I don't respect superstitious thinking and that is what religous is.
You can always tell when Bush is in trouble. He always brings out 9/11. 9/11 is the cudgel that he waves. As far as he's concerned, it's "Open Sesame". 9/11 is his way of saying, "Okay, I'm fucking up now, but remember four years ago? That was cool." I think he thinks he can use it for anything. "9/11. On 9/11 we were attacked. And so, I should get to bang your wife." What? "Now, there are some nay-sayers out there who think I shouldn't bang your wife, well, that's the cut-and-run crowd."
I was at Yankee Stadium one time at 5 a.m., but that was to buy angel dust.
I have a dream. Martin Luther King had a dream so big that millions climbed on board. And one man changed a nation forever. Wow. How do you follow a dream that big? I guess you got to start small. You know, baby steps. I have some gum. Anybody can get gum. You feel better now, don't ya?