Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640
It's hard for a man to turn down sex … if they chase us, we can't run that fast.
Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.
The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".
We thought I was going to be a great athlete, and we were wrong, and I thought I was going to be a great entertainer, and that wasn't it either. I'm going to be an American Citizen. First class.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.
I don't care who wins because I go to sporting events to scream. It's the one place on the planet you can shout anything you want. You can bellow at will, and nobody will bother you. I yell things like, 'My life sucks! Dan Quayle is a schmuck! If I don't have sex soon, I'm going to explode!' Parents turn to their kids as I leave the stadium and go, 'Hey, there goes a great fan.'
There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.
Some of those heckling parts are just great on their own plus they happened at that moment so we had to include it.
You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.