Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640
No, I guess this is a pretty funny story. One that I’ll never ever tell anyone because of my deep and burning shame.
There’s only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.
Every time I see Peter Falk in the movie I think that would be great. We'd be fun together.
According to a new survey, 90% of men say their lover is also their best friend. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider man's best friend is his dog.
That would get on my damn nerve: I'm up in my house; the ghost's like, 'Get out. Get out.' I say, 'I heard you, you son of a bitch. Why you didn't say that shit when I was just looking at the house? Now they got my damn deposit; I done unpacked. You want me to get out? You get my goddamn deposit back. You pack all this shit, and you pay for the U-Haul.'
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
We’re constantly told by campaign groups such as Greenpeace that we must invest more in alternative energies like wind farms. But I’m here to tell you that’s actually a terrible idea. The reason being, it turns out wind has actually been horrifically overfarmed over the last 20 years. And if we keep farming it at this rate, by 2040 there will be no wind whatsoever. And kites will just lie like corpses in parks.
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon: "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read!"
There's no doubt about it, show business lures the people who didn't get enough love, attention, or approval early in life and have grown up to become bottomless, gaping vessels of terrifying, abject need. Please laugh.
E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.