Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640

If you stand under the misteletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by, you might be a redneck.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Doing stand-up takes the fun out of being funny.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Take a nap in a fireplace and you'll sleep like a log.

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

This stammer got me a home in Beverly Hills, and I'm not about to screw with it now.

Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying “I don’t want to bore you with the details”.

Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.

Get to go to a bachelor party. We went to a strip club…. Really unqualified stripper came out. Ugly… She comes out, she goes “Hey cutie, what do you want me to take off next?” I go, “My glasses.”