Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640

I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.

Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey.

My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.

Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

We can't agree on religion and guns and economics and sadly civil rights but if the wealthy won't chip in for the needy we are done.

I get the first flight out from anywhere I am because I have to come home to my kids.

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

I want to hang a map of the world in my house then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve travelled to. But first I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.

There are certain jokes that indicate how mainstream a comic is. If you’re talking about how the side effects of drugs that they advertise on TV are worse than the actual illness they’re supposed to prevent, that’s like the hackiest joke out there now. If you’re still doing that joke, that usually is an indicator of being mainstream, in a bad way.

An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.