Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640
I have a nice bookshelf in my office, but not my house. I'm crass, but not that crass.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to relocate? Their house have wheels.
I'm the only person on Earth who's not afraid to admit that black people are better dancers than white people! I said it, I said it! You were all thinking it, I said it!
IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
It’s a real valley when I talk about veal. And calf roping. People were sensitive about calf roping. Which I think is quite funny.
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
Did you ever notice how short the interval is between "I can't wait for summer" and "Fuck this shit"?
I know when the anthrax thing hit, white people y’all was very nervous. Y’all would come up to me at work and warn me, “Oh my God Aries, be careful. Don’t open the mail.” Black folks was never worried about anthrax. Because half the time we don’t open our mail no way. We might think that’s a bill… Y’all want to get us with anthrax, put that in a Jay-Z CD.
My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.
I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!