Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 640
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
"Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?"
I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You'd think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
I don't have a gun, but if I did, I would shoot a baby deer in the mouth and feel nothing.
Concerned we're in a time where politicians can't even fake sincerity. Aren't they supposed to be good at that?
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
Fifty percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. Fifty percent. That’s one out of every two people. So it’s either going to be you or your wife.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
An adult male human that attempts to mate frequently but spends most of its time alone.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
The beat generation is a coffeehouse full of people expectantly looking at their watches waiting for the beat generation to come on.
We all know that America is the worst country in the world, except for all the others.