Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 642
If you're a woman and a guy's ever said anything romantic to you, he just left off the second part that would have made you sick if you could have heard it.
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.
Little did I know that earning a living at stand-up is the hardest thing you can do. But once I started doing it, I just loved it, and I realized that I was actually kinda good at it, and then that was it.
This was enormously challenging, because it involved filling 120 blank pages with an actual story and words people say.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?
Apparently every man was told to bring three women with them. Sounds like a ho-down.
The thing about stand-up was, I was doing all this sketch and YouTube stuff where I was not being censored and I got to do my own thing, and it was really cool.
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
A baseball manager has learned a lot about his job from having played the game, but a parent has not learned a thing from having once been a child.