Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 642
The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.
I have something called the ‘Who Gives A Shit Test’ that I apply to the things I’m talking about onstage. Like, most of my personal stories, people wouldn’t. Richard Pryor used to tell personal stories, and the audience would be completely rapt, but it’s really rare to be able to do that.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
25, 30 years ago, that meant something, they were making some money. And they were doing all sorts of comedy, screaming at the audience, basically crowd control. And then there was the whole urban comedy scene.
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
Leaving your ears open to the suggestions of others only closes the mind's eye, thereby creating a type of spiritual glaucoma.
I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."
A car alarm is a way for a car to tell everyone that its owner is an asshole.
You might be a redneck if your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.
Some of my inventions didn’t take off. I invented a url lengthener.
There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.