Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 642
I got a truck outside with my name on it: Sanford and Son. I’m Sanford and this is Son.
My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
You weren't doing a Cher thing. This wasn't your 12th farewell tour.
Can you remember when you didn't want to sleep? Isn't it inconceivable? I guess the definition of adulthood is that you want to sleep.
It was a really special winter wasn't it?... if you're a fucking moose! If you've got fur on your nuts it's been a fucking festival!
If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.
The girls I grew up with they're living normal, adult lives. So they call me now and they're like, 'Amy, I'm pregnant.' And I still react like, 'What are you going to do? I'll drive you, I guess.'
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
The best place in America to get directions, right here in New York City. No matter who you ask, you always get the same directions and you can always understand ‘em.<br /> “Excuse me, could you tell me how to get to 58th & Lexington?”<br /> “What do I look like? An information booth?”