Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649
What's so touching is the way we fight the war right until the moment our business is taken care of and then we turn on a dime and we immediately start taking care of people. It's like a shock and aw shucks campaign.
If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
When we live up to our Constitution, let's form a Conga line around the Capitol and bungee jump off the dome.
It's all dangerously true. It'd be nice if something worked out for me, and then I'd have to get material out of that.
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
Jesse Ventura is basically proof that the people of Minnesota are not social drinkers... they are obviously alcoholics.
Anyone who is friends with Bill Clinton shouldn’t be telling their wife about it.