Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649

Is Heather McDonald your best friend? You better get a new one.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

We never get sick of each other. That's how sick we are.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...

A lot of comedians are selfish.

Are your feet tired?.. Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a few years now.

I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

For the level of entertainment you get for the ticket, it's a solid show.

Black people late by nature. There's some slaves still on their way over here.

I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”

That field goal attempt was so far to the left it nearly decapitated Lyndon LaRouche.