Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.
My perfect last meal would be: shrimp cocktail, lasagna, steak, creamed spinach, salad with bleu cheese dressing, onion rings, garlic bread, and a dessert of strawberry shortcake.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
The working classes, the ones they refer to in those political programmes as "the ordinary people".
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every inch of your shit, pal!
I never viewed money as being 'my money' I always saw it as 'the money.' It's a resource. If it pools up around me then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.
But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.
Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.
I’m a big fan of talking dirty, but not everyone is good at it. I happen to be very good at it because I’m comfortable. I’ll say something sexy like, “You like that shit!”
I really loved what I was doing being creative and being funny as a stand-up comedian.
I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than most western countries.