Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649
When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.
I play a musical instrument a little, but only for my own amazement.
If Obama's a tyrant, he's a pretty tame tyrant. How many tyrants do you know that really suffer because they can't get cloture?
I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.
I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
If you really think there's a Santa, why don't you sit on the front steps all night in the freezing cold and see if he climbs down any chimneys tonight. Good luck. And since we're a family that isn't lucky enough to have a chimney, how would Santa get into our house? Does he bring a locksmith with him? And it probably would have to be a Jewish locksmith, because a Christian locksmith is going to want to be home with his family. And how many Jewish locksmiths are there? None.
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
My whole life is a movie. It's just that there are no dissolves. I have to live every agonizing moment of it. My life needs editing.