Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649

I want to open up my own club one day, maybe call it something like Club a Dub Dub, or the Club Marine. Sort of a submarine-themed club. Or Tom’s Bistro. The word "bistro" is classy as shit.

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Third party: a party which includes all other parties!

Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.

The game of comedy is all about owning the stage, and from a physical point of view, it's beneficial that I am a larger man. From my lumbering presence alone, I can't really help *but* dominate the stage.

I don't know how to ground myself without the other actor present.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

We were the guys on the other side. It was hilarious.

I never went out looking for glory.

I'd like to start the show by showing you something I'm very proud of. You'll have to step back, though.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

God old people on coaches! Fuck they go past you at light speed! You can see their faces all up the back window!

I went out with a girl last night. She wasn't a Lana Turner. She was more of a stomach turner.