Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 649
If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.
The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.
My favorite show of all time has to be Charlie’s Angels… My hair was so feathered, that the back of my head looked like a butt.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
I'm thankful for the three ounce Ziploc bag, so that I have somewhere to put my savings.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I was a somewhat bright child, which led to different sorts of problems. In second grade, I moved up to fourth grade math and reading. There was an option to skip a grade but I was so tiny and microscopic that my mom was, like, 'He has enough now, let's not make his life totally terrible.' I stayed in my grade but alienated everyone by being, like, 'brainiac.'
To those people who say, "My father is alive because of animal experimentation", I say "Yeah, well, good for you. This dog died so your father could live." Sorry, but I am just not behind that kind of trade off.
Even if you meet the perfect person, it ain't gonna be at the perfect time. You're married, they're single. That's right. You're Jewish, they're Palestinian. You're a Mexican, they're a raccoon. You're a black woman, he's a black man.
I paid to have sex with a midget once. But I was wasted. And no one told me she was 18.