Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.
I'd go back, yeah. I don't care, I got a kid, man - I'll sell tampons. I mean, there's no selling-out once you get a kid. I got a kid.
[on doctors] And they say, they always say the same thing. They say, "Your appointment is at four," and it's never at four! You go down there at four and you have to wait in that waiting room with all the coughers for another bloody hour. You know when that doctor comes out at five and he'll say, "I'll see you now." "No you bloody won't! I've got a few more posters to read yet! Sit the fuck down!"
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Girls are supposed to dance. That's why God gave them parts that jiggle.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
If ketchup had 1/20th of the carcinogens in a cigarette they'd rip it off the shelves tomorrow, so the government is full of shit when they tell you that they care about you.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
Jeez, you'd think the people in this bank had never seen someone playing castanets before.
'She looks great but what'll I say to her in the morning.' I'm searching for the new maturity: she looks great, but I have nothing to say to her now.