Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654

What drives the creative person is that we see it all.

We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.

These days it's hard to look at a poodle without thinking what a good meal he would make.

I always loved art teachers because they were so bizarre. They were like the homeless people of the faculty -- all disheveled, wearing smocks, covered in paint, always digging through the garbage, looking for bottles and egg cartons and things.

You can’t climb a tile wall.

I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

Well, we're just gonna have to use our brains.

I don't think fascism is dying for.

The definition of the word "nerd" has changed. It's now any attractive person with a hobby. The loneliness component is no longer included.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

How long have you been a black man?

For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.