Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
No one calls 911 cool and relaxed. Now that shit would sound ridiculous.
You realize that for all the shenanigans that go on in the big circus of politics, everybody wakes up and goes to work.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
Paula Abdul’s really impatient to start a family. She says if she has to wait much longer she’s going to go crazy-er.
You watch the news these days? It's unbelievable. You think you just walk out your door, you're immediately gonna be raped by some crack-addicted, AIDS-infected pitbull.
See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.
Isn't this posh? I'll bet you need credit references just to get in the pool.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
Why would somebody worship the devil?... Has the devil paid off for anybody ever? What was the last award show you saw where somebody won and they came out and they’re like, “Thank you so much. This is amazing. I got a lot of people to thank. Well, I gotta start out by thanking the man downstairs.”
The day I'm in England performing, English security let a man in a Batman suit climb Buckingham Palace. I felt so much safer... Batman was on the wall of Buckingham Palace for five hours. Wouldn't happen in America - three minutes: dead Batman.
The press can hold its magnifying glass up to our problems and illuminate problems heretofore unseen, or it can use its magnifying glass to light ants on fire, and then perhaps host a week of shows on the sudden, unexpected dangerous-flaming-ant epidemic. If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.