Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
We get in the club, and we are totally out of our element. There's this synthesizer-computer music going, there's these laser lights and black lights. It's just not our kind of gig. So we're standing there having a beer and all of sudden my friend goes, 'Hey man, check out that table over there. Those girls'. And there was a table of really young girls. Old enough to be in a bar, but younger than us. And I go 'Yeah'. And he goes 'I think they're checking you out'. I go 'Shut up. They're not checking me out'. Of course, in my head, I'm going 'Hell yeah, they're checking me out! What are you not seeing?'. And he goes 'Nah man, I think they're gonna come over'. I go 'Shut up'. And all of sudden, this one stands up, and she's about 5'10", smoking hot. She's got a little, tight dress on, cut up to the hip and she has locked eyes on me. And my friend goes 'Dude, you are dead'. And I turned around to talk to them and - this is when you know you have really good friends - they have all taken a step back from me. So now I'm just the turd in the punch bowl. And she is walking right at me and I'm thinking 'Oh my God'. In my head, this whole scenario is going down. I'm thinking 'Just be cool, let her down easy...'. And she walks up to me and says 'Hi'. And I go 'Hi'. She goes 'I'm Bridget'. And I go 'Hi Bridget, I'm fifty. And you're hot'. And I go 'So why don't we do this? Look, before this gets awkward, let me just buy your table a round of drinks, we'll call it a night, and it'll be over'. And she goes 'Okay. But we thought you were Cindy's dad. She's puking in the bathroom so we called him'.
If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.
If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.
For a British person to enter British Heaven, you basically have to die completely unnoticed without causing too much of a kerfuffle.
Growing up, it was always, ‘If you buy kosher meat, they’re killed humanely.’ But I’ve seen so many horrible videos. What we thought was humane 100 years ago is not humane anymore. The ways animals suffer, I just couldn’t be a part of it anymore.
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.