Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.
I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows there's no substitute for support, encouragement, or a pit crew.
I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.
Comedy comes from a place of hurt. Charlie Chaplin was starving and broke in London, and that's where he got his character 'the tramp' from. It's a bad situation that he transformed into comedic one.
Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.
Each of us is full of shit in our own special way. We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Bass Pro Shops and here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home." And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine. Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have. She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine. Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
Bush and Cheney have this whole thing where if you talk about America, if you talk about them, then you're anti-American.