Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 654

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Oh, am I wearing an ascot? I didn’t notice.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

You're what we call a 2 bagger, ok, that means that I have to wear a bag on my head just in case the one on yours breaks.

I wanted to be a physicist when I was younger, and I also wanted to be a comedian, but only one of those worked out, so I'd like to try to do both now in a bit that I call theoretical dick jokes.

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a fuck.

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.

Thats a Indian person convincing you of shit. You ever try to buy something and you go like "all right, give me the best price" "*indian accent* Sir, Im telling you, final price, best price, take it and go. Take it... and go. take it and go."

I go "it wasn't my fault, it was Captain Morgan!" And my wife goes "Oh, like when Jose Cuervo made you ride the floor buffer?", and I said "Exactly!"