Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
The old baby on the corner trick a, not gonna fall for that shit.
I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."
I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.
I think it's one of the main negative emotional ingredients that fuels show business, because there's so much at stake and the fear of failure looms large.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.