Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66
Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.
I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that’s extraordinary. And that’s why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It’s democracy. They can't shut that down.
Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.
Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.