Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66
You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.
A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
Here in Los Angeles, school’s out for summer. For thousands of school kids, this is the first week of summer vacation. And for thousands of parents, it’s the first week of hell.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.
What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
So, fuck that shit. That's... eww. Who came up with that? "Fuck that shit." No thanks, I'm good. Do not - Kids, don't fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me, I'm a doctor and a pharmacist and a 9-1-1 operator. I know what the fuck I'm doing. Don't fuck that shit. That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon. "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read."
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: yes.