Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66
My mom looks at my dad and goes, 'Do I look fat in this dress?' And my dad goes, 'Don't be stupid, you look fat in everything.'
I am addicted to hockey now. I've seen it on TV, but to be there? I had no idea that white people were having so much fun without me.
All my friends are always telling me how hard it is to have kids. 'Oh, David, it's so hard.' That's not hard. I'll tell you what hard is. Try talking your girlfriend into her third consecutive abortion. Yeah, that's hard, that takes finesse. You’re just inconvenienced.
What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.
Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
It's kind of redundant - have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybody's like, 'Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it.' It's just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that it's kind of redundant. I don't go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. 'You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?'
I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.