Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 66

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

"What's in the tea?" "Water, bitch!"

Moving to Australia was not a career move, but a quality of life issue. It has no guns, no God, and no gangster rap. As an Ethiopian cab driver said to me the other day when I was returning from a gig in Sydney, "Australia is a peaceful, democratic place." I like the relatively stress free lifestyle. It's worth the drop in income.

I'm dating a woman now who, evidently, is unaware of it.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

It’s not fucking ADD I’m thinking. I’m thinking about things that are more interesting than you. I’m trying to build the perfect utopian society in my head and you’re talking to me about what? Fucking bowling, I don’t give a shit.

My first wife, I'll never forget her - and I've tried.

A guy say to me "are you gay?" and I say "bend over and let's find out".

He couldn't ad-lib a fart after a baked-bean dinner.

I think my ex-girlfriend has weekly lessons with the devil on how to be more evil. I don’t know what she charges him.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.

I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me!

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.