Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 65
When I die, I don’t want people to look in my coffin and go, “Wow, he looks great.” I’m dead for Christ’s sake! I want people to walk by my coffin and go, “Jesus! He partied…” And for the love of God, don’t put a rose in my hand, put a Slim Jim. Send me to heaven with a Slim Jim!
I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...
My mother ran in the bathroom, see my big brother sitting in the bathroom with a piece of shit in his hand in the tub, I was laying in the bottom of the water with blood gushing out my eye, G.I. Joe up my ass. My mother's like, "What the fuck going on in here?"
Some people even think I wear a wig. Do they think I went into a salon one day and said, "Can you please screw this up really bad?"
My wife ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.
To me, political office should be like jury duty. You should just get a notice in mail one day and be like, "I’m Secretary of State next month!"
Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
There's something very weird and abnormal about my particular quest to do stand-up; it's very isolating and self-important.
I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there."
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."