Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 65

What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

A short summary of every Jewish holiday: "They tried to kill us; we won; let’s eat!"

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'

Urkel was retarded, let's be honest. No, he was. If there was a kid named Steve Urkel who went to your school - dressed like Steve Urkel, eating cheese all the time, always asking this girl named Laura to marry him - you'd be like, 'Oh yeah, Steve. His brother hit him in the head with a brick when he was five. Very sad situation at the Urkel house.'

Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.

You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.

I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: yes.

I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'

I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.

I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.

I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.