Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 65
I want to die before my wife, and the reason is this: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things.
Scientists are complaining that the new Dinosaur movie shows dinosaurs with lemurs, who didn't evolve for another million years. They're afraid the movie will give kids a mistaken impression. What about the fact that the dinosaurs are singing and dancing?
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids. I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
Obama had all the right ingredients that came together at the right time. He’s tall, good-looking, articulate, highly intelligent, smooth under pressure, charismatic. And most importantly, the right shade. He made white people feel comfortable. Because y’all know if that nigga was Bernie Mac black or precious purple, he wouldn’t have won. He’s like coffee with cream, it goes down easy.
I don't think Osama bin Laden sent those planes to attack us because he hated our freedom. I think he did it because of our support for Israel, our ties with the Saudi family and our military bases in Saudi Arabia. You know why I think that? Because that's what he fucking said! Are we a nation of 6-year-olds? Answer: yes.
You know those Italian eraser phrases? "That guy is a lowlife scummy little fat rat weasel bastard… I don't mean that in a bad way." Yeah, in the best possible way you can mean that.
Love the questions at the airport because they make you feel real intelligent. "Sir, do you know what's in your luggage?" "No. I tied a sock around my eyes and packed with my feet. I'm thinking hot dogs and gunpowder."
It's kind of redundant - have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybody's like, 'Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it.' It's just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that it's kind of redundant. I don't go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. 'You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?'