Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 65

Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.

Norm MacDonald is here - one of the funniest people ever. Norm's got a giant gambling problem. He's dropped more coin in a casino than Michael J. Fox at a parking meter.

I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"

Even if he is your friend, never, ever call an Asian person.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

Women wear a pair of panties but only one bra.

A good rule of thumb is if you've made it to thirty-five and your job still requires you to wear a name tag, you've made a serious vocational error.

I had an argument with my father. I argued that Plato was the Father of Philosophy. My dad takes the opposite position: that I should wax the kitchen floor. I said, “Well, the kitchen floor doesn’t exist, at least not in the permanent sense that the concept ‘floor’ does.” He said “Do you think the concept ‘your skull’ exists?” I said “Yes.” And then he surprised me by juxtaposing the two concepts.

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

Your baby is supposed to like Skittles, you ignorant bitch!

It The Weather Channel is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.