Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 67
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.
Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!
I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.
Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.