Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 67

My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.

I get a lot of influence from pro wrestling. People are like, 'Oh, it's fake.' But it's not about whether the guy wins or loses, it's about how he entertains you the whole time you're watching.

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Is it warm in here? I'm sweating like a pimp with one ho.

Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.

You might be a redneck if... your family tree doesn't fork.

We want to recognize that it is the end of the show without really saying it. But we'll satisfy the audience's desire for a little heart.

Bill Gates has 90 billion dollars. If I had 90 billion dollars, I wouldn't have it for long because I would just dream of all the crazy stuff I could do with it. This guy, 90 billion dollars. He could buy every baseball team and make them all wear dresses and still have 88 billion dollars.

I'm so Southern I'm related to myself.

Did you know that if you play the New Kids On The Block record backwards, it actually sounds better.

2 minutes in heaven is better than 1 minute in heaven.

Make sure you don't smoke weed with dumb niggas because weed will make you smart. Aint nothin worse than a smart dumb nigga.

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to meet it.

I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.

Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.