Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 67
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
Well, see, babies are born with new eyes. They look at the world with new eyes and you begin to see things, too, through their eyes. I had a problem with her with toilet trainin' and I don't blame her a bit. Cause first I showed her you can't hit your cup on the coffee table. Then I showed her you can't eat on the couch. Then here was this chair you could shit in.
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it.
I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!
What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that’s extraordinary. And that’s why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It’s democracy. They can't shut that down.
I hope we find a cure for every major disease, because I'm tired of walking 5K. I'm pretty sure I don't have to walk to cure cancer. I'll just write a check.
Jared, don't fuck a goat. You hear me, son? Because a goat - no, listen. No, fuckin' listen. Put it on receive, dude. A goat... why am I attacking you? I have no idea. It's a mode of choice. But a goat will eat a tin can, they'll eat fuckin' junk. They'll chew it up. Have you ever watched 'em? They eat shit. And they will eat your junk right off, Jared. And you will be junkless. And you will have nothing, you'll have like a tit - a tin plate, where your - a tit plate. You'll have a nipple where your dick was, and you will be fucked.
I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, OK, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!