Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 67
People say I'm into black women. Robert De Niro is into black women. I'm just into women who are real, and they happen to be black.
In order to succeed, your desire for success should be greater than your fear of failure.
It's kind of redundant - have a black dude wearing an Obama shirt. Everybody's like, 'Yeah, we know. You like Obama; we get it.' It's just like, I would do the same thing. I realize that it's kind of redundant. I don't go up to white people wearing Coldplay shirts. 'You like Coldplay? For how long? Forever?'
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
I was in a fish market, and there was a little boy behind the counter, about nine, and he had a bucket of live fish. And he took one out and he put it in his mouth. All of a sudden, his mom, who I think owned the place, looked at him and said, 'What are you doing?' And to my surprise, he pointed at me and went, 'He dared me to!' His mom turns around and is like, 'Did you dare my son to put a live fish in his mouth?' 'No, first of all, if I dared your son to do something, he'd be dead. I wouldn't do a wimpy dare, like read a short story quickly. I'd have a real dare, like eat a bag of fire! Or build a time machine, jerk off in it and send it to Hitler!' That's a dare.
The Afghan government is as corrupt as a prostitute with a law degree.