Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 67
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I’m the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum. "My God, the floor's immaculate! Lie down, you hot bitch."
Sorry, I had told Craig and them I'm gon' kick it with them. Gotta go! See you when I see you!
What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody believe in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.
You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something.
I don’t understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I’d be glad to share with him.
I played softball recently. They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don't go "Hey, that's Downy Soft. That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don't worry about that! That's Blood Light! We're playing softball, we're all going to float around like angels!"