Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661
A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.
I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job, girlfriend, pretzel.
A woman in Buffalo set a new world record for eating 183 buffalo wings. I don’t think there will be a second date.
A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.
Until as women we all say, "No! We are not going to starve ourselves", nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.
An income tax form is like a laundry list - either way you lose your shirt.
Ever argue with a female and in the middle of the argument you no longer feel safe… You know what my girl will do? When she get mad, she’ll start talking in third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on she’s not responsible for none of her actions.