Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
The Smurf village was destroyed weeks ago and Bush has still not made an appearance. George Bush doesn't care about tiny blue people.
People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.
You're supposed to eat the cows. They're great big lumbering stupid things - they'd be everywhere if we didn't eat them.
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
While everyone else was saying Trick or Treat my dad was telling us to say Triki Tras.
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.
Years ago I wrote this short story about my mother called "The Castrating Zionist".
You might be a redneck if you can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!