Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661
Doctors — they like auto mechanics. You go in get one thing seen, they want to look at other stuff. I went to a doctor for a twisted ankle, came out with diabetes. I was mad as hell.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
The position of First Lady has no rules, just precedent, so its evolution has been at a virtual standstill for years. If Martha Washington didn't do it, then no one is sure it should be done.
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.
As Prime Minister of Israel I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing.
Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
Do you know how short you have to be to have a Napoleon complex in North Korea?