Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 661
Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.
Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.
If the FBI's motivating factor for busting down the Koresh compound was child abuse, how come we never see Bradley tanks smashing into Catholic churches?
I'm pretty hot, right? Very hot, if I may say so myself. Don't you feel the sex I'm radiating?
I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.
Everyone steals. My favorite movie is Love Don’t Cost a Thing with Nick Cannon. Which is based on Can’t Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer, or something, which I think was Shakespeare.
I'd be curious to find out, but I don't think people in the entertainment industry are proportionally more or less serious politically than anyone in the landscaping industry.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
Follow your passion. Stay true to yourself. Never follow someone else's path unless you're in the woods and you're lost and you see a path. By all means, you should follow that.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Taking into account the public's regrettable lack of taste, it is incumbent upon you not to fit in.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but screw it, i’m with "Bupa".