Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662

God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.

No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.

This is the guy I'll be thinking about when I put a gun to my head.

You cannot win in a fight against women, cause men have a need to make sense.

You might be a redneck if your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

I don't think fascism is dying for.

Sarah Palin has managed to use her failed vice presidential run to put herself in a position of power and influence. Joe Biden won the race and he hasn't been able to put himself in a position of power and influence.

Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.

My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.

What's a bag of chips divided by five, that's a Nike worker's meal.

I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing– Tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner".