Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662
Queen Elizabeth, who said, "Not now, I'm on the throne." Never got a dinner!
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
Dick Clark’s wife, who said to Dick on their honeymoon, "That was your third blooper tonight." Never got a dinner!
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'
They don’t tend to feature the kind of vaginas I like in adult films. I tend to like a thick, heavy pussy - the kind of pussy that looks like it just smoked an exploding cartoon cigar.
So we’re on this plane, and across the aisle from us was another couple, about our age, traveling with their two children - a two-year-old girl and a very new boy who, though tiny in stature, had a crying scream so piercing, it was annoying people on other planes.
When I did Comic Relief, I did it to be on the show; it's a badge of honor as a comedian to do that show.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
What people really want is not to make something funny, but to make something amusing - which, in many ways, is the opposite of funny. To amuse someone is to eliminate discomfort and awkwardness, kind of like a massage for the brain, while to be funny is to point out awkwardness and discomfort. Everyone thinks they want funny, but they really want amusement.
As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.