Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in the history of the world, who would it be? That depends on the restaurant.
I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
See, all this stuff is turning me into this guy I don't want to be: that grouchy old, get-off-my-yard guy. Remember that guy? He was like 'Ah get off my yard! I hate everyone. I hate kids'. It's making me this grouchy guy and I don't want to be it. But I'll give you a great example. The other day, I was in my car and I got stuck behind a school bus. Now, I don't know if you've been stuck behind a school bus before, but once you're there, you're stuck. I've passed kidney stones quicker than you can get around a school bus.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
He’s going around putting little covers over the electrical outlets and all that stuff, and I’m like, ‘How the kids going to learn about electricity, huh?’
I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!
Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen molotov cocktail.