Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
Apparently, the most popular role play fantasy is the nurse fantasy. If I was going to do the nurse fantasy for my man, I would just make him wait in the living room for an hour and read Highlights magazine before rejecting his health insurance.
'Several NFL players said they would support a team mate that came out as gay...' Yeah, why wouldn't you?!
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I'd probably just start calling out letters.
Keep at least one window pane clean to check the weather. Once when I didn't do this I sent the kids off with umbrellas for six weeks straight.
My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”
Day-to-day life is a lot of work. I work a lot on stand-up stuff, and then day-to-day life and, you know, just living. It's always different. Try to work out, try to stay in shape, and try to have some fun.