Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662

A man turns to the guy next to him who's covered in bandages from head to toe and asks "What happened?". "I fell through a glass window," explains the man. The first man says: "Lucky you were wearing all those bandages."

Do you know they have a pill to stop you from gambling? What are the odds?

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I felt like high school for me was like a big whirlpool of me trying to figure out what was OK for me to do.

Gray hair is God's graffiti.

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end." Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I had a really tough time for a few years. My show was gone. My phone wasn't ringing. There wasn't one job offer. And at that point, I thought I knew for sure that I wouldn't work in Hollywood again.

Where the fuck do I live? That is a pantry.

But sports photography isn't something you just pick up overnight. You can't do it once a year for fun and expect to do a good job. And I take pride in what I do.