Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 662

You might be a redneck if your grandfather completely executes the "pull my finger" trick at the family reunion.

I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.

I just remember that whenever I got really mad or passionate, like in an argument, people would laugh, and I'd be dead serious. It would happen a lot. So it was like, "Gee, I've got something here."

And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'

I won't take no for a question.

This beautiful woman has something written on the side of her body, it says, "whatever is not the stars to hold our destinies, but in ourselves"... I just don’t under - why? why? why do people do that? Is that for when she’s hookin’ up with some guy, right? And he’s bangin’ her doggy style and he kinda leans over, and he looks and then he reads that, and like what’s he supposed to think then? Like, "Da... this bitch is deep!"

Bullfights are hugely popular because you can sit comfortably with a hot dog and possibly watch a man die. It won't be me, but I can sit comfortably and watch it.

I think that sometimes I’ve been a little too nice. I think you have to have a balance. When you’re too nice people take you for granted, they take you for a fool I think.

When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.

According to a new poll, 72 percent of pet owners buy their pets a Christmas present. In fact, in Las Vegas, Siegfried gave his cats a chew toy... Roy.

I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

My random acts of violence weren't random. They were premeditated.

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

There's a thin line between to laugh with and to laugh at.

President Bush gave his first-ever presidential radio address in both English and Spanish. Reaction was mixed, however, as people were trying to figure out which one was which.