Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669

Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'

I actually got pulled over once for driving in the diamond lane. Cop said to me, 'You know you have to have more than one person in the car to drive in the car pool lane.' I said, 'Check the trunk.'

The environment changed with Martha Stewart and Enron.

I thought this election was an adult discussion on how best to protect ourselves in the face of terrorism, but apparently it was a referendum on boys kissing. When homophobia trumps terrorism in America, wow. This country needs to get laid.

Did you ever hear of a kid playing accountant - even if they wanted to be one?

Religion, it stops people from thinking because they think all the answers are in that one book; it impedes progress; it justifies crazy people. Flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.

Of course the OC stands for: only Caucasian.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.

Acceptance and forgiveness are crucial components to a happy life and hopefully I can find mine in storage.

And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'

My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.

If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.

Why did the Articles of Confederation fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.

My mom had this inate ability. Whatever town my mother moved to, the second she walked into town, she would instantly attract the alpha loser of that town. This guy was not a good guy. This guy was half O.J. Simpson and half O.J. Simpson. Scott Peterson sprinkles on the top, a side of Robert Blake. You know, not a good guy.