Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669
No, yea. You were ahead of me, until you went shopping… the best I can offer you is back cutsies, and that’s incredibly generous.
If you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, you're ahead of the game.
One of my favorite sketches, and a popular comedy formula, is to put someone with a mental handicap in some kind of unlikely situation. For example: The retarded gynecologist, the retarded Jesus, the retarded Osama Bin Laden. It works. It's funny. Inappropriate? I dunno. I feel like I'm a pretty good judge of what crosses the line of good taste being that I am retarded. Socially perhaps, but severly retarded.
I’m divorced from my first wife. I got two daughters. And I was divorced when they were young. They were like four and two. And they took it tough… because I told them it was their fault.
I've seen too many comics who got their own shows and were undone because they worked for an executive producer who didn't understand their comedy or their sensibility.
It's not till you get out on tour that you realize the impact.
He's a guy who's in charge of determining our energy policy, and he's doing it with $31 million of oil company money in his pocket. Is anybody fucking home?
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.
When they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny. I was like, “Bottled water! Ha ha, they’re selling bottled water! I guess I’ll try it… Ahh… this is good. This is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it.”
It's not like some movies where you're following a bunch of different stories you can cut around. There was nowhere to cut to. It's these guys. We're not cutting back to anybody else.