Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669
Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
My stand-up is quite good now, people say. It's just like a big conversation each time. Every gig is a rehearsal.
Things that would change the atmosphere at a party : I hope no - one is allergic to nuts .... because I like to rest mine on the table / Help yourselves to Nibbles .... he was our favourite hamster but its what he would have wanted.
“So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'”
You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.
I could've enjoyed a cigarette if I smoked back before everyone knew it was bad - say, like, 1923. Everybody smoked back then. There was no medical information against it; they had no idea - it was a paradise. It was a smoker's paradise: 'They're taking my lung out next week. I don't know why. Doctor thinks maybe I'm brushing my teeth too often, but I can't help it because, for some reason, my breath smells like I licked a monkey's ass.'
It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
Over the years, there certainly have been plenty of ideas that I've had and given up on, but for this one, the only thing that was standing in its way was me doing it - I just had to write it... And then if it didn't happen, it didn't happen. But I didn't want it to be for lack of effort on my part, so I had hunch that it would be a good story and that we would work well together. And it certainly worked out that way.
Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.