Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

Shake that ass while I throw money that I made selling crack!

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."

Do you ever wake up in the morning, look in the mirror and think, something’s not accurate?

I want to get so famous that I don't have to wake up in the morning. It'll probably never happen.

Nothing would make me happier if Peter Falk would finally win his Oscar for this. Not just as the writer but as a fan and a friend. It would be so great.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.

I have the greatest respect for your culture; I think you guys do it properly. You have your three or four kids and then you slow down so you can enjoy your late teens.

You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.

There's no razor in candy. If for no other reason, it doesn't make financial sense. It's not fiscally prudent. How much does a piece of candy cost - like, a penny and a half? An apple's like 15 cents? Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement cartridge recently? They're so expensive, they don't even keep them on the shelf. You know, you have to ask the people behind the counter. I feel like I'm trying to buy enriched plutonium or something.

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.

I would even walk so it wouldn't look like we're together. Here I can hold his hand.