Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

Cake or death?

Nobody's been a pile of shit their entire life and then turned it around because the commencement address. 'So you're saying I can be anything? Oh yeah, that sounds way better than what I was going to do.'

You don't need to be stable to be a stand-up comedian.

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

You might be a redneck if you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

I love Oprah but she thinks she’s Jesus. And when she gets a papercut, she’s like, “Oh, Stigmata.”<br /> “No, Oprah, it’s not stigmata.”<br /> “But, I…”<br /> “Get off the cross and do your show.”

Bring Your Child to Work Day - that's how we got George W. Bush.

Hey, what about Shrek? He's ugly 24/7!

There is a new billboard outside Time Square. It keeps an up-to minute count of gun-related crimes in New York. Some goofball is going to shoot someone just to see the numbers move.

And now it looks like I'm probably going to shoot a movie that I wrote. I got the money to do it, and I would star and all, because of being on Howard.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.