Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 669
I have a 16-year-old daughter. She’s growing up and I don’t know when it happened. I came home the other day and I’m helping my wife fold clothes. I pick up a little pair of skimpy underwear and I go, “Hey, hey, when are you gonna wear these for me?” She goes, “I can’t. They’re your daughter’s.”
One time my own father caught me watching a porno movie. The one thing you never wanna hear in that situation is, "son, move over." "And the cats in the cradle and the silver spoon…" my eye!
Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen molotov cocktail.
A man walks into a hospital feeling unwell and the doctor says: "Sorry, you’ve only got three minutes to live." The man said: "Can you do something for me?" "Yes," he said. "I'll boil you an egg."
The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible.
I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.
Alexander the Great, who said on his wedding night, "It’s only a nickname." Never got a dinner!
I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.
The nation of Dubai banned the movie Charlie's Angles because it's offensive to the religion of Islam. Apparently, the religion of Islam is offended by anything without a plot.
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'
David Letterman is the king of late-night television. My relationship with David Letterman is that I sit at his feet. That's what it is. I'm kind of his bitch.
A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.
I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.