Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity: We all suck.

God writes a lot of comedy ... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

I'm not a big porn guy. I just like to jerk off to whatever's on Cinemax at two o'clock in the afternoon.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Standard mathematics has recently been rendered obsolete by the discovery that for years we have been writing the numeral five backward. This has led to reevaluation of counting as a method of getting from one to ten. Students are taught advanced concepts of Boolean algebra, and formerly unsolvable equations are dealt with by threats of reprisals.

At that point, we worked to contain the fire from the outside.

Fuck you, Guardian, for calling me a liberal.

You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.

Shake that ass while I throw money that I made selling crack!

I've got a three year-old and he wants to rollerblade and he said, "Daddy, I want to put on my helmet," and I said, "Suck it up, kid. We don't wear helmets in this family; we're men. No, not on the sidewalk - get in the street."

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.