Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668

I don't think about that. I wasn't a kid growing up saying one day I'll get an Oscar and make a speech. That wasn't on my mind. So what I do is the best work I can do.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

I believe you can joke about anything.

I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.

The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.

If you're so pro-life, do me a favour: don't lock arms and block medical clinics. If you're so pro-life, lock arms and block cemeteries.

I know you're on the Atkins diet, but could you stop eating bacon during sex?

Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."

I'm still blow drying my hair, just trying to keep doing stuff that's fun.

Everything that`s written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don`t think there`s anything I can do to stop it.

I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.

Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.