Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668
My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.
You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.
I'm hoping in the next 30 years we'll end up in a beautiful world where we'll actually all are not the same but equal.
The 99 Cent Only Store is calling itself your Valentine's Day headquarters. Guys, if that's your Valentine's Day headquarters, you can also call the garage your new home.
Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.
In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.
I don't believe in good people and bad people. I believe in the better parts of people.
I never analyze it. Analyzing it would just be a waste of time. I just go out and do it.
How does a country get away with keeping half its population in beekeeper suits? I'll tell you how. They say the magic word: religion. It's their religion. You say religion, you can get away with anything. The Catholics got away with fucking kids, for crying out loud!