Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 668

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.

I love talking to the audience, and I must be the luckiest performer in the world. I always land something or somebody that just takes off.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.

I talk to my dad all the time, he's more like my buddy than my father, and he's not happy that I use him in my act. But I tell him, I have to get something out of this.

If you enjoy shaming people, I suggest dentistry as a profession.

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.