Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 670

Mr Gallop you have a beautiful tale there. If you wear your coat long enough no one will notice it.

If you stretched the average person’s intestines out from end to end, it would make them scream a lot.

The CEO of a company lied to you. But isn't that financial reporting?

I'm a good citizen. I'm a good father. I recycle and I masturbate.

That feeling of hopelessness only serves your masters.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

My secret now is to try and make sure that my girlfriend, Tracey, is out of the house when I bring my dates home. That can be awkward.

I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

Honey, there’s a spider in your bathroom the size of a Buick.

Inside there are three pouches of two. This is what happens to me: I open the first pouch, and I eat one tart, and I enjoy it very much, as naturally I would. And then I feel, Well, I have to eat the second one or it will go stale. Well, now I’ve eaten two, and it’s no longer just a snack, it’s a meal. I figure I may as well eat two more. And then finally I’m just like, Well hell, I don’t just want two pop tarts hangin’ out in a box. I eat the last two just to tidy up, really.

People ask me how much I weigh. I tell them, 145 pounds, naked. That is, if that scale outside the drugstore is anything to go by.

I still have the shirt I wore my first time on Johnny Carson's show. Only now I use it as a tablecloth at dinner parties. It was very blousy.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

Ladies, you got to look for a man like you look for a job. Do you research. Run a credit check on ‘em. Meet his baby’s mamas. You don’t just drive him to the methadone clinic. Go inside! Meet the people!