Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 670
Because we've become so ecologically minded now, they have developed a product called "Rapidly Dissolving Toilet Paper." Just how "rapidly" are we talking? 'Cause I don't want to have to play "Beat the Clock" in the thicket.
I've done coke 'til my nose was bleeding like the fourth week of Lilith Fair.
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.
I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.'
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
Perception is reality; so being so twisted I have no idea who I ever was which was a really lucky break.
You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.
God doesn't seem to talk to people like he used to. Who's he talking to now? I don't know. Then I'm walking down the street in Manhattan one day, and I realize maybe it's those guys you see walking down the street talking to themselves. You know, those guys that are like, 'I can't! No, I can't!' Maybe the other side of that conversation is God going, 'You're the new leader.' 'No I can't!' They're not crazy -- they're reluctant prophets.
Bankruptcy is a legal proceeding in which you put your money in your pants pocket and give your coat to your creditors.
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.