Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 670

Recently, I turned 60 and even more recently I turned 62, that was a Bastard, I don’t even remember the 61.

You might be a redneck if you have every episode of "Hee Haw" on tape.

You might be a redneck if you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.

I think that sometimes I’ve been a little too nice. I think you have to have a balance. When you’re too nice people take you for granted, they take you for a fool I think.

The difference between a broadcaster and a host is that a host tells stories and dumb jokes, but a broadcaster can articulate deeper like, you know - things and stuff.

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

You ever get lost with your wife in the car, you're *completely* lost, and they *always* say the same thing! "Oh let's just go home." "WE'RE FUCKING LOST! WHAT DID YOU THROW FUCKIN' BREAD OUT THE WINDOW?"

If I found her floating in my pool, I'd punish my dog.

It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.

Anybody see 'Cop Land'? I went to go see it, but I got stoned in the parking lot. And then on the way in, I read the marquee, and I got paranoid and went home.

Until as women we all say, "No! We are not going to starve ourselves", nothing is going to change. We're our own worse enemies sometimes but I still blame men.

Peeps ask why the shades inside JB? I have a cool prescription thats why!

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.