Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671
If God had wanted women to have giant, fake boobs he'd be a lot like my brother.
You can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar, but either way you've got flies.
You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.
Look at Thomas Jefferson. The guy had illegitimate kids in the 1700s, and they caught him last year. If you cheat on your wife and cover it up for 200 years, you're pretty much thinking you're home free.
Then she’s gonna tell me, “Well, who do you think about when you makin’ love to me?” She’s like, “I know, Halle Berry.” I said, “Nope!” She said, “Gabrielle Union?” “No.” She’s like, “Who then?” “Kim.” She’s like, “Who is Kim?” “The girl I seen at the club last night. Hell, I can’t get Halle Berry, but I can get Kim if you fuck up.
Hang out with the worst people imaginable while they’re all in “fuck it!” mode - Vegas!
Ever argue with a female and in the middle of the argument you no longer feel safe… You know what my girl will do? When she get mad, she’ll start talking in third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on she’s not responsible for none of her actions.
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
Ever drive down the highway and a policeman gets up behind you? Then everybody goes two by two behind him. He’s like the interstate pace car. Then he gets off at the exits and we’re back to green flag racing!
Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"