Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671
If they have to drag some of you fucking fuckers out of here in body bags, I will be so fucking stoked.
Daniel Craig is having the best week ever and I don't even know who the fuck he is.
My upbringing in Canada made me the person I am. I will always be proud to be a Canadian.
There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.
Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse. 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.
And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'
I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.
I wish people would stop making fun of fat people... they have enough shit on their plates.
Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.
I think we all remember where we were when Rush Hour hit the water. That was an important day.
When we were kids movies were scary. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.