Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?

Excuse the mess but we live here.

I think the Republicans took all the fun out of 'gay.' I mean the word gay - it's fun. But now it's a ban on same sex partners. That sounds horrible. I mean, when do you hear a ban? When it's a toxic pesticide or a nuclear warhead. And who wants to fuck a partner? It sounds like a guy in a gray suit at a law firm.

When I was 8 years old, I entertained friends with my alligator hand puppet. Where’s my room in Vegas?

My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better

If you don’t want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"

Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!

I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.

It's easy to smile when you have a squirrel's intellect.

Dude, I didn't say Jude Law can't act. I didn't say Jude Law was in bad movies. I just said he's in every movie.