Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671
I’m a white guy with a black sister. How could I be racist? “I can’t stand black people. They’re always reading my diary.” And I know I just told you I keep a diary. But before you judge me, let me say that if you were a white Jewish kid with a black sister, you’d start writing things down too.
When you're 18, you meet somebody, and 15 seconds later, you're like, 'I love you... I love you! Is that your roommate? She's hot.'
Why did the Articles of Confederation fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.
Eve, who said to the serpent, "I could go for a little nosh but I don't know you from Adam." Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)
This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.
I would have been a lot better off if I’d studied more when I was growing up, y’know. But you know where it all went wrong was the day they started the spelling bee. Because up until that day I was an idiot, but nobody else knew.
If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer.
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.
I love kebabs, they give you all that meat, that saturated fat, and they give you that little bit of salad. What's that, the healthy section? Never see a drunk do that, do you? "Where's me salad! What you trying to do, kill me?"
I always loved comedy, but I never knew it was something you could learn to do. I always thought that some people are born comedians, just like some people are born dentists.
In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.
He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.