Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 671
Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.
I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.
If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.
I do love the films I've done in the past. I work hard in my movies and my friends work hard and we're trying to make people laugh and I'm very proud of that.
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
That's the funny thing about religion: it doesn't matter what you say, you're going to upset someone.
I generally grow this beard out around Christmas. Then, I like to go to malls dressed as Jesus, and what I do is generally walk through the mall, just saying, 'No, no, this wasn't what it was supposed to be about, people.' But if there's a Santa at the mall, I'll walk right up to him and I'll go, 'Listen, fat man, you're just a clown at my birthday party.'
The government could take away all the drugs in the world and people would spin around on their lawns until they fell down and saw God.
Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.
When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.
Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?