Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 68

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

So, fuck that shit. That's... eww. Who came up with that? "Fuck that shit." No thanks, I'm good. Do not - Kids, don't fuck that shit. You'll get an infection. You listen to me, I'm a doctor and a pharmacist and a 9-1-1 operator. I know what the fuck I'm doing. Don't fuck that shit. That would be a good public service announcement for Nickelodeon. "Hi, this is Bob Saget. Don't fuck that shit. Stay in school. And read."

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.

Urkel was retarded, let's be honest. No, he was. If there was a kid named Steve Urkel who went to your school - dressed like Steve Urkel, eating cheese all the time, always asking this girl named Laura to marry him - you'd be like, 'Oh yeah, Steve. His brother hit him in the head with a brick when he was five. Very sad situation at the Urkel house.'

Iced tea in the wintertime! Why not? 'Cause it's fucking dumb, that's why not!

Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an ''act'' and he told the audience, ''This is my act.'' Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.

I played softball recently. They call it softball, makes it sound like it's harmless, you know. You ever take a line shot to the face with a softball? You don't go "Hey, that's Downy Soft. That was like a big ball of cotton! Hey, don't worry about that! That's Blood Light! We're playing softball, we're all going to float around like angels!"

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

It occurs to me that the best way you hurt rich people is you turn them into poor people.

Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

It's failure that gives you the proper perspective on success.