Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 68
We live in a world where John Lennon was murdered, yet Barry Manilow continues to put out fucking albums. God-dammit! If you're gonna kill somebody, have some fucking taste. I'll drive you to Kenny Rogers' house.
A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, "we saved your grandson." The little Jewish Grandma says, "He had a hat!"
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.
There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.
Prostitutes go to jail. Their customers go home and read the New York Times. In this country you're allowed to buy anything. If you need a shirt, you have a right to buy it. If you need sex, you don't. What's more important, sex or a shirt?
I got sober. I stopped killing myself with alcohol. I began to think: 'Wait a minute - if I can stop doing this, what are the possibilities?' And slowly it dawned on me that it was maybe worth the risk.
Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.
You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.
I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
I don't want a clean living guy in the White House with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader. Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.