Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 68
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
Bright lights, they tend to burn out fast. So I shine bright, but I'm scared that it won't last.
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Whatever your woman is into, you better be into. Whatever your man is into, you better be into. Your partner into church, you better be into church. Your man or woman a crackhead, you better be a crackhead. Otherwise it just won't work.
Mick Jagger's lips' so big, black people be going, "You got some big-ass lips!"
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.
The only black part about Barack Obama is that that nigga don’t know his dad!
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half." You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16." Then the great day of your life; you become 21. Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. Then you're pushing 40. You reach 50; then you make it to 60. By then you've built up so much speed, you hit 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You hit Wednesday... You get into your 80's; you hit lunch, you hit 4:30. My Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was just 92." Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."
I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.