Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 69
Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
I don't want a clean living guy in the White House with his finger on the button. He thinks he's going right to heaven. You want to feel safe with a leader. Give me a guy who fights in bars and cheats on his wife. This is a man who wants to put off Judgment Day as long as possible.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
You can cauterize your asshole shut, you understand me? And then when you fart, it has nowhere to go. I'm not fuckin' around, it goes into your body and into your heart and you have a fart attack, is what you have. And you will die from that, and your last breath will be a burp and it will smell like shit.
You know, a lot of people’s last names are based on the occupations of their ancestors. That’s true. Just in my neighborhood, right across the street lived the Cooks. Right next door to us lived the Taylors. Counter-corner from us lived the Elephant Dung Shovelers.
You're 16 years old, you don't know shit about shit, and pull up your pants!
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously.
I try to please people, to give them a good time, but I refuse to make my act conform to traditional show-biz standards of entertainment. There's a little voice that says, 'Oh, no, you can't do that, that's breaking all the rules.' That's the voice of show business. Then this other little voice says, 'Try it.' And most of the time, when the voice comes on and says, 'No,' that's the time it works.