Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 69
Religion is like a pair of shoes... Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mmm..., nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe I lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!'
Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.
Remember the lesson that Susan Boyle taught us all. Before you judge an ugly person, give them two minutes to whistle a tune or tap dance for you. And if they can’t, fuck ‘em. Stupid ugly fuck.
How do you think jail was?! I got face raped by a woman... and I think I may have liked it.
I love the Pope, I love seeing him in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass. That's faith in action folks! You know he's got God on his side.
Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.
Did you ever drink so much of a certain type of alcohol that you get so sick, that you can never drink the same kind of alcohol again? I’ve decided that is how I’m going to quit drinking. One-at-a-time.
I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoeseum?
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.