Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 680
My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?'
The last couple of roles I missed out on went to Jennifer Hudson, Jessica Biel and Olivia Wilde.
Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.
As a parent in the suburbs where I live, you have to chaperone your children everywhere they go because everybody's so afraid their precious little angel is going to get abducted or something. How egotistical can you get? Oh, your kid is sooo special. Everybody wants your kid. Come on.
Here's how you play: on your drive home tonight... when you get, like, 15, 20 minutes away from your house, take an Ambien -- and then just try to beat it. Really fun, and it makes the last part of the drive go really fast, you guys.
President Bush played golf yesterday and I understand Vice President Dick Cheney also got in a couple of strokes.
Hopefully the only things off-limits are crummy jokes, but being a standup comedian, I know that's not always the case... You know it when you have to take a shower afterward.
I don't think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
Ladies, you got to look for a man like you look for a job. Do you research. Run a credit check on ‘em. Meet his baby’s mamas. You don’t just drive him to the methadone clinic. Go inside! Meet the people!
I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.
A historic operation occurred over in Boston. Doctors successfully transplanted tissue from a pig's brain to a man's brain - and the man's brain did not reject it. That pretty much confirms what women have been saying about men.