Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 680
You know what you were doing while the priest was doing his little peace rap? You were looking around for the people whose hands you were not going to shake. This was church, and you're like, 'No, fuck that guy.'
Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!
I did a club one night - the speakers were old as hell. My jokes were coming out in black and white.
A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.
I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it
You got to control your own destiny. You got to keep writin different stuff. Keep switchin up and never do the same thin too many times.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.
I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.
I'm not an evil person, I'm not an evil person. I feel very bad for the people in New Orleans like the sick people, the poor people, the elderly, those people couldn't get out. But let's talk about the dumbasses who are still there but the ones who are going 'I'm not gonna leave! I'm not gonna leave! Because I'm going to stay here and protect my TV!' Listen, you fucking idiot: unless you have a plasma that got wet by this much water I suggest you get the fuck out of your house right now, you understand me?