Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 681
The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.
Primarily I’ve gathered you here this evening to tell you this: that it’s not easy being British, as Kermit so nearly sang. The reason being, it is impossible for me as a British citizen to go into any museum in any nation on the planet Earth without, within five minutes, starting to feel guilty. You have no idea what that feels like. You will. Oh, You will.
I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.
A dry vagina is an impotent vagina… you’re not a complete woman and you should be ashamed of yourself!
You watch too much porno, it diminishes your taste for the kind of girls that will actually poon you.
I don't have kids. That's why I leave it in the dumper or in the mouth, because I hate kids.
Look, we're both snake oil salesman to a certain extent, but we do label the show as snake oil here. Isn't there a problem selling snake oil as vitamin tonic?
My friend asked me I ever swam with dolphins. I was like, ‘Yeah, of course. What distance are we talking about from the dolphins? Because the last time I was in the ocean, I’m pretty sure I swam with most of them.’
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
My mother would say, before I left the house, 'Remember Art, hugs are better than drugs.' And I believed my mother, I believed everything she said - until the first time I got high at a party. I leaned back, and I went, 'God, this is way better than when my Uncle Perry hugs me. What else has my mother been lying to me about?'
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
I just always wonder if I’m too obsessive about subjects. I try to avoid that.