Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 684

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

It’s not the size of the nose that matters, it’s what’s inside that counts.

I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said "may contain nuts." Well, fucking YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be pissed off if you opened it and a socket set fell out!

Ever argue with a female and in the middle of the argument you no longer feel safe… You know what my girl will do? When she get mad, she’ll start talking in third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on she’s not responsible for none of her actions.

Why does every girl in the world wanna date me? Especially right now man, especially when I'm busy!

I'd like to say we're glad you're here - I'd like to say it...

Because here’s what guys don’t do if they can’t live without you: they don’t break up with you.

But what I was going to say was, I just figured I'm going to go boldly in the direction of my dreams, say it as Thoreau would say, and just see where it takes me.

A tom cat hijacked a plane, stuck a pistol into the pilot's ribs and demanded: 'Take me to the canaries'.

If I wore a peek-a-boo dress, it would be like turning in a false alarm.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.

If Iraq's weapons are weapons of mass destruction, surely ours are weapons of growth and nurturing.

If you are a black woman, you get two history months in a row.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.