Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 684

There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.

In New York there isn't that weird palpable competitive thing where it's friendly but everyone isn't trying to top one another with jokes when you're just hanging around.

When I was a boy, I was taught never to use insulting expressions like, 'I've been gypped,' or, 'He welshed on the deal.'

I would love to have acidy spit.

I try to just talk about human stories and what I think about religion or teapots or whatever.

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

You might be a redneck if on your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

We all think we're going to get out of debt.

The saddest day in Pixar history was when some guy said ‘get Larry the Cable Guy on the phone.

Saw myself naked in front of a mirror a couple days ago - that's not the joke, that's what we called the setup. I saw myself naked, and I said, 'Holy cow, I'm 'The White Man.' I've heard a lot of bad things about you, cracka.'

We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.