Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 685
Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.
Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
I din’t do shit today. Almost till 4 o clock I just watch TV, so i’m a loser.
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
Because I am a fuckin' genius... according to my gynecologist, who said "That clitoris is gigantic."
A girl, you're 30 years old, you're not married - you're an old maid. A man, he's 90 years old, he's not married - he's a catch.
Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.
It is pretty crazy living with a physical disability. I have to deal with people in weird ways. I was walking down the street and this woman walks up to me and she goes, “You know, I think it’s so inspirational that you’re out.”
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
God, do I hate my little fat tits. You ever pinch your little meat tits and wish you were dead? You ever just stand naked in the mirror. “You little fat-titted mediocre failure!” You ever do that for 3 hours on New Year’s Eve.
Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion, and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's gonna be some child fucking going on.
Jackie come to me and says, 'We gonna do a fight scene.' I said 'What?' He says 'We got to do a fight scene in the next scene. I have to teach you.' I say 'How you gonna teach me in three seconds?' What we did, we did the fight scene with our arms connected.