Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 685
I get on stage and talk about different stuff in my life and what I’ve been through and what I think about the world. It’s picking out highlights of things and how I became who I am and how my daddy raised me.
Cats only pretend to be domesticated if they think there's a bowl of milk in it for them.
Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.
I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.
I shot me a nice deer, and I hung it on the den wall in my house. My neighbor comes over and he says, "Did you shoot that thing?" I said, "Nope. He ran through the wall and got stuck. Here's your sign."
There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, 'Hey, at least I'm not pregnant.'
When I got back into show business in 1961, I felt - for obvious reasons - that nothing in my life went right, and I realized that millions of people felt the same way. So when I first came back my catch phrase was "nothing goes right." Early on, that was my setup for a lot of jokes.
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
I'm not afraid of putting myself out there to someone and then them passing on it. At least you could have gotten a 'yes.' So it's worthwhile to have the cojones to do it.
Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.