Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 685
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
If you have a date tonight, play it safe and leave your heart at home.
They don’t encourage you to be who you wanna be, they encourage you to be what they want you to be, no teacher is gonna tell you you’d be cut out to be a great pornstar or illegal arms merchant.
People get successful and they start saying, 'Well of course I am! I was chosen! I'm special!' No, you're not.
I don't do drugs. If I want a rush I just stand up when I'm not expecting it.
There's no skill. You can be a rock and move into another cash bracket.
My favorite sexual position is when the girl is facing Mecca and I am fighting off a wolf.
Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.
I have 236 movies on my queue and I feel like I should always be watching movies. Like if I wake up in the middle of the night and don't fall directly back to sleep, I'm like, 'I've been up for an hour and a half I could have watched 'Toy Story 3' by now.' In this economy it is a sin not to be watching movies when you have Netflix.
I've got to say that I don't see myself as some sort of political type like Alec Baldwin or Barbra Streisand. I don't want to come across like that.
Whoever coined the phrase, "killing two birds with one stone," not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.